Spouse spends too much on becoming pro

[GODZZ]

I consider myself to be an average player , when my depositing got out of hand B-cuz I likes to take shots .My wife / GF took over , she decides when and how much I deposit.At 1st I hated the idea but it has really helped my BR managing .And it's made the game more enjoyable than when I just spewed cash.

Good luck 2U both.

 

[ubo]

I agree with everyone, this is a big problem. I have a friend who was just obsessed with slot machines, then we have them on every corner...
He spent there all... just everything... but won't bad, but then all the same remained...
Helped him only one thing, that removed all gaming establishments in a residential zone... Those. availability has become very heavy...
So I think that you need to try to do a complete ban...

 

[Sandra87]

Thank you all for your opinions/insight. I don't want to leave him, present an ultimatum, or "test" him - I think those last two would be detrimental to the trust between us. We try to just have conversations, but finances are always difficult because he gets so defensive.
I was thinking about the separate accounts idea, and I think what I want to propose is keeping our direct deposits going into our main checking, then paying the bills coming due, and dividing up the rest between us (minus some joint discretionary for groceries/going out/gas, because it looks like it'll be really complicated if we don't). So we can keep a joint savings for big expenses/emergency, he can use all of his half for poker if he wants, and I can save up whatever of mine to my heart's content and not even care what he's spending his on because I won't even monitor it and it won't affect what I want/need. I manage our bills, so this seems to make the most sense to me.

Thoughts?

 

[Debi]

Thank you all for your opinions/insight. I don't want to leave him, present an ultimatum, or "test" him - I think those last two would be detrimental to the trust between us. We try to just have conversations, but finances are always difficult because he gets so defensive.
I was thinking about the separate accounts idea, and I think what I want to propose is keeping our direct deposits going into our main checking, then paying the bills coming due, and dividing up the rest between us (minus some joint discretionary for groceries/going out/gas, because it looks like it'll be really complicated if we don't). So we can keep a joint savings for big expenses/emergency, he can use all of his half for poker if he wants, and I can save up whatever of mine to my heart's content and not even care what he's spending his on because I won't even monitor it and it won't affect what I want/need. I manage our bills, so this seems to make the most sense to me.

Thoughts?

I like it - very similar to what we do. I hope he agrees to do it.

And yea - suggesting you leave is a bit extreme - I respect that you want to find a solution to make it work.

One way or another though - this has to become a non-issue between you. Money, kid and sex issues kill marriages - probably in that order too. Maybe flip-flop kids and sex - don't know cause we don't have kids.

 

[Sandra87]

I like it - very similar to what we do. I hope he agrees to do it.

And yea - suggesting you leave is a bit extreme - I respect that you want to find a solution to make it work.

One way or another though - this has to become a non-issue between you. Money, kid and sex issues kill marriages - probably in that order too. Maybe flip-flop kids and sex - don't know cause we don't have kids.

Yeah, no kids here. And no sex issues! (Yay!) We're pretty young, and we got married even younger (username reflects nothing in reality). I realize now how that complicated our lives so much more, but of course we didn't realize how much we were going to change as we became older adults. We've both changed a lot and we definitely didn't anticipate it. I'm anxious about having this conversation, but I really can't go through a late mortgage payment or overdrafting again. I won't blame him for it, I'm thinking I can present it as a way that he doesn't have to hear me nag about how he spends anymore.

 

[ZingyT]

I feel for you both. Becoming a professional player is a dream that I also share with your husband and it took me a long time to resign myself to the notion that while I am a good (profitable) player I will never be able to support myself (or my family) with the meager winnings I make.

The fact that he "endangers" your financial stability would indicate at the minimum denial and at worst a possible addiction to gambling.

Is he unwilling to look at tracking sites (www.sharkscope.com) and see that he is a losing player?

If he can not accept these facts, seek help (for him, you, or both)

 

[Sandra87]

I feel for you both. Becoming a professional player is a dream that I also share with your husband and it took me a long time to resign myself to the notion that while I am a good (profitable) player I will never be able to support myself (or my family) with the meager winnings I make.

The fact that he "endangers" your financial stability would indicate at the minimum denial and at worst a possible addiction to gambling.

Is he unwilling to look at tracking sites (www.sharkscope.com) and see that he is a losing player?

If he can not accept these facts, seek help (for him, you, or both)

The tracking sites don't show what he's spending in cash locally. Our bank account does, though, and he got very mad when I pointed out after a 10k+ win that he had finally broken even for the previous six months. I could have been nicer about it at the time.

 

[Debi]

Yeah, no kids here. And no sex issues! (Yay!) We're pretty young, and we got married even younger (username reflects nothing in reality). I realize now how that complicated our lives so much more, but of course we didn't realize how much we were going to change as we became older adults. We've both changed a lot and we definitely didn't anticipate it. I'm anxious about having this conversation, but I really can't go through a late mortgage payment or overdrafting again. I won't blame him for it, I'm thinking I can present it as a way that he doesn't have to hear me nag about how he spends anymore.

You sound very level headed and agree it is best to initially approach it without throwing blame around. Wait until he is in a great mood and the time is right.

You could even use the 10k win to make him know that you know he is a good player and that you want him to do what he enjoys doing. He just needs to do it responsibly so that you both prosper in all other areas of your life and it doesn't impact your other financial obligations.

 

[Aragveli81]

First of all you have a big job to do . Your husband most likely going spend all your many over and over maybe for many years . Poker bankroll managment very difficult to manage. It takes to long for becoming winning player.
Please continue counting of your many and try to find a polite way to tell him in every good opportunity about your budget. REMEMBER he trying to become professional poker player because of your good life! Please find a way to change him.

 

[S3mper]

His wins and losses are inconsistent. Sometimes he may win just a bit, sometimes several hundred, maybe a thousand - but when I track our account activity, over time the yield is not positive. He thinks he makes extra money for us, yet I've shown him that he doesn't.

Thank you all for your opinions/insight. I don't want to leave him, present an ultimatum, or "test" him - I think those last two would be detrimental to the trust between us. We try to just have conversations, but finances are always difficult because he gets so defensive.
I was thinking about the separate accounts idea, and I think what I want to propose is keeping our direct deposits going into our main checking, then paying the bills coming due, and dividing up the rest between us (minus some joint discretionary for groceries/going out/gas, because it looks like it'll be really complicated if we don't). So we can keep a joint savings for big expenses/emergency, he can use all of his half for poker if he wants, and I can save up whatever of mine to my heart's content and not even care what he's spending his on because I won't even monitor it and it won't affect what I want/need. I manage our bills, so this seems to make the most sense to me.

Thoughts?

This sounds like a great idea.

I would push (gently) the idea of him really keeping track of how much is going in and going out from poker. And have him really look into proper bankroll management.

You may have noticed it keeps coming up a lot and it's because it's the most important thing. I don't care how great someone is at poker. If you don't follow bankroll management you're going to go broke. The swings are real and they can be devastating.

And I would recommend to him to maybe play exclusively (with the exception of here and there) online. Especially if he's playing tournaments. Since they have much more smaller Buy-In games. With decent prize pools.(less rake) and not spending money on gas


And maybe make sure he knows that proper bank roll management is how much he has in his "For poker" account and not how much the two of you are making total.

 

[ger008t]

The tracking sites don't show what he's spending in cash locally. Our bank account does, though, and he got very mad when I pointed out after a 10k+ win that he had finally broken even for the previous six months. I could have been nicer about it at the time.

Take a firm stance /..unfortunately the decision is his only

 

[braveslice]

He needs a proper bankroll like said well and many times in this topic. If you are the money brains in your marriage it might be he just don’t know how to do it, or thinks it’s not important because you always figure it out.

I suggest you learn enough about bankroll management to handle that part for him =)

Learning enough about bankroll management takes about 5 hours, 20h and you are skillful enough in any table. Poker is skill game with strong luck element on it, to counter luck part you need the bankroll. The roll is the second most important thing about poker, just after playing winning poker, so him not knowing it suggest fundamental flaw in his thinking. So in simplicity: he can be a moron or genius, but not really anything between.

If you decide to manage him, here is just couple of links to give your enough vocabulary:
http://www.thepokerbank.com/strategy/basic/bankroll-management/

 

[Poker Orifice]

What I am concerned about is how much money he spends trying to become a professional poker player. .

Mrs. Gorak.... is that you?

 

[roncato]

It seems like he's become an addict. You should think really carefully if you want the future with such person, cause it's not the stable one. If you don't mind - can you tell us his nick, so we can check him ip?

 

[BuffSabres09]

I understand both sides

This is a tough scenario to be in. My wife has recently given me the go-ahead to try and make a living playing poker, but our finances aren't where I want them to be at to make a full blown attempt. I will say this about your situation, what comes into the house financially is BOTH OF YOURS. Not his and hers (at least, this is how my wife and I think and how most financial experts would view marriages). With that said, I would tell him to take 3-4 months, set aside X amount each paycheck to go into a separate account specifically for poker (that you both have access to, just so you can see what's going on as well). When he's at 20+ buy-ins at whatever level he's trying to play at, then he can give it a go WITH ONLY THAT MONEY. Once it's gone, it's gone. It sounds like you're okay financially and are not dependent on his winning at poker, so if he really wants to do this, he should be on board. (I am aware you've talked about budgeting with him, but in case you hadn't tried something like this). Unfortunately, it may also seem to be an addiction, in which case no matter how much you set aside, it will go away. I wish you the best of luck!

 

[albosaltenio]

For me her husband became a gambler, And should seek help and convince him to take it, Beyond that he may have raised his level in the game, he must learn to control his money and his impulses to want to continue playing outside of bank

 

[vvalente]

I'll be frank fast ... Your spose is compulsive, sick. Ideally, you should quit poker for a while and even seek medical help. Good luck on the walk.

 

[myuk1]

if he is absolutely dead set on becoming a poker pro then if i know anything about stubborn people, its that telling him his mistakes arguing with him will only make him more determined to prove you wrong and continue playing. the best way to deal with it is to set limits and then be as supportive as possible while encouraging responsibility. you cant force him to change, it will only cause tension

 

[KidA]

My husband and I have been married for some years, and we've had arguments over money during that time. Many of those arguments were due to us trying to mesh our different financial styles together, which I'm not concerned about. Starting out is often difficult.
What I am concerned about is how much money he spends trying to become a professional poker player. He's become a very good player in the past few years, but he does not make us extra money from it (although for some reason he thinks so), and it upsets him that I want to hold him back from his dream because he'd never do that to me. Our savings has been drained, our savings account is treated like an alternate checking, our stock account is dwindled, we have barely any retirement savings, and we've had pay periods where we overdraft because of his actions. He doesn't see it as his fault, somehow, but we've had discussions about it several times and I'm getting really tired of being the only financially responsible one. I've analyzed to see if I'm really the problem, but I can't find any reason. Taking out hundreds (sometimes 1k+) every week or pay period just isn't in the budget. We could spare a certain amount (an equal amount to what I take for myself each pay period, or a little more), but he won't do it.
I pay the bills, I let him know what hasn't shown as taken from our account yet, and tell him when I have to make a big purchase (or we both know when we need to make one together). He will not budget, he doesn't keep track of his cash flow (though I have, and I showed how much he cost us and we fought), and says he'd like to be able to say that I always supported him once he does make it big (I realize this is manipulation).
I don't know what to do. I told him before our last overdraft problem that I never wanted to have to take money from our savings again to cover food and other bills, we should never have that problem with what we make.. yet it still happened. He thinks because we haven't gone into debt we're fine.
I make less than he does, but I don't think that should mean he gets to do whatever he wants when he wants because we have a life together that needs to be considered, but he says he didn't get married so that someone else could tell him what to do with his money.

Wow honey. You need to support your man or you're going to see him with some bimbo after he makes it big. My ex was the same way and once i've improved just a little more she's going to look so foolish for not believing in me.

 

[terryk]

Anyone can say the words,but it`s a persons actions to which we all should be judged.:deal: I wish you the best of luck with your situation.

 

[Poker Orifice]

Wow honey. You need to support your man or you're going to see him with some bimbo after he makes it big. My ex was the same way and once i've improved just a little more she's going to look so foolish for not believing in me.

ha ha ha... why doesn't she just grab onto someone who's already 'made it big'?
I'm guessing your CC name is meant in the literal sense.

 

[Poker Orifice]

Mrs. Gorak.... is that you?

sorry, had to bump this one (had forgotten about it & am hoping Gorak will see it)

 

[vov4ik]

This is a strong dependence if he can not control himself and control his bankroll, you have to get rid of it or put it before the fact, well, if there is no then to the doctor, you can be a good player but do not harbor such amounts and pull everything from the family

 

[GrouxLive]

When someone is willing to risk the wellbeing of their family for the game, it is likely an addiction. At the end of the day, poker is just a game - and therefore the health of the family should always come first.

If there is any hesitation in believing that, he has a clear addiction.