J
jayman2411
Rock Star
Silver Level
Inspiration, and Three Kick, and Late Night...
High School Inspiration...
Every year, English teachers from across the country submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country.
Here are last year's winners.
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 pm. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
============================================================
The Three Kick Rule...
A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As he climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”
The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”
The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule.”
The lawyer asked, “What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?”
The farmer replied, “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.”
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man’s nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “Okay, you old coot! Now, it’s my turn!”
The old farmer smiled and said, “No, I give up. You can have the duck!”
==============================================================
The Best of Late Night...
"When President Bush heard gas was an average of $4 all over the country, he said, 'But how much is it in the city?'" -Jay Leno
"Yesterday, Barack Obama said his differences with Hillary Clinton are 'infinitesimal, tiny, minute, trivial, and inconsequential.' When he heard this, President Bush said, 'That guy knows way too many words to be president.'" -Conan O'Brien
"There’s a salmonella outbreak; they believe it’s linked to tomatoes. You don’t realize how much you eat tomatoes until you can’t get them anymore. Today I was forced to order a BLB, which is bacon, lettuce, and more bacon." -Jimmy Kimmel
"Brutal heat wave going on. In fact, to get out of the heat, even straight guys are going to see 'Sex and the City.'" -Conan O'Brien
"Apparently Barack Obama is “e-mail buddies” with Scarlet Johansson . . . This is making me question Sen. Obama’s judgment. If he has Scarlet Johansson’s e-mail address, why is he wasting time running for president?" -Craig Ferguson
"Well, today it was made public that Hillary Clinton spent $212 million dollars on her campaign for the nomination. $212 million. Think about that. The last time anybody spent that kind of money to come in second were the New York Yankees." -Jay Leno
"According to MSNBC, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have consulted a psychic about the birth of their twin girls. The psychic predicted Brad and Angelina’s twin girls will grow up to be very hot." -Conan O'Brien
NASA has announced plans to send a probe to orbit the sun — where it will be forced to withstand temperatures of 1,400 degrees Fahrenheit. When he heard about it, President Bush said: “Why don’t they just go at night?” -Conan O'Brien
Top Ten Signs an NBA Game Is Fixed
10. Game begins 20 minutes before visiting team arrives
9. Tip-off always goes to the player with the largest salary
8. At the end of the first quarter, the score is 179 to 2
7. Missed three-pointers count for two points if they're "pretty close"
6. One of the Laker Girls looks suspiciously like Pete Rose
5. Whenever he's open, referee takes a shot
4. Scoreboard has disclaimer: "All Scores Approximate"
3. The team loses even though it led in points, delegates, and the popular vote
2. Jack Nicholson scores 25 points from his seat
1. The Knicks win
-David Letterman
High School Inspiration...
Every year, English teachers from across the country submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country.
Here are last year's winners.
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 pm. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
============================================================
The Three Kick Rule...
A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As he climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”
The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”
The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule.”
The lawyer asked, “What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?”
The farmer replied, “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.”
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man’s nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “Okay, you old coot! Now, it’s my turn!”
The old farmer smiled and said, “No, I give up. You can have the duck!”
==============================================================
The Best of Late Night...
"When President Bush heard gas was an average of $4 all over the country, he said, 'But how much is it in the city?'" -Jay Leno
"Yesterday, Barack Obama said his differences with Hillary Clinton are 'infinitesimal, tiny, minute, trivial, and inconsequential.' When he heard this, President Bush said, 'That guy knows way too many words to be president.'" -Conan O'Brien
"There’s a salmonella outbreak; they believe it’s linked to tomatoes. You don’t realize how much you eat tomatoes until you can’t get them anymore. Today I was forced to order a BLB, which is bacon, lettuce, and more bacon." -Jimmy Kimmel
"Brutal heat wave going on. In fact, to get out of the heat, even straight guys are going to see 'Sex and the City.'" -Conan O'Brien
"Apparently Barack Obama is “e-mail buddies” with Scarlet Johansson . . . This is making me question Sen. Obama’s judgment. If he has Scarlet Johansson’s e-mail address, why is he wasting time running for president?" -Craig Ferguson
"Well, today it was made public that Hillary Clinton spent $212 million dollars on her campaign for the nomination. $212 million. Think about that. The last time anybody spent that kind of money to come in second were the New York Yankees." -Jay Leno
"According to MSNBC, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have consulted a psychic about the birth of their twin girls. The psychic predicted Brad and Angelina’s twin girls will grow up to be very hot." -Conan O'Brien
NASA has announced plans to send a probe to orbit the sun — where it will be forced to withstand temperatures of 1,400 degrees Fahrenheit. When he heard about it, President Bush said: “Why don’t they just go at night?” -Conan O'Brien
Top Ten Signs an NBA Game Is Fixed
10. Game begins 20 minutes before visiting team arrives
9. Tip-off always goes to the player with the largest salary
8. At the end of the first quarter, the score is 179 to 2
7. Missed three-pointers count for two points if they're "pretty close"
6. One of the Laker Girls looks suspiciously like Pete Rose
5. Whenever he's open, referee takes a shot
4. Scoreboard has disclaimer: "All Scores Approximate"
3. The team loses even though it led in points, delegates, and the popular vote
2. Jack Nicholson scores 25 points from his seat
1. The Knicks win
-David Letterman