P
ph_il
...
Silver Level
This is probably going to sound silly, but I suffer from mtt jealousy. More specifically, I get jealous of those that play similar stakes and have made big scores with their mtt win(s). Of course, it doesn't make sense to get jealous of someone winning big in a $100+ buy-in mtt when I play mostly $5 buy-in mtts and lower.
But still, sometimes I'll see a post about a huge score someone won. Or I'll just happen to look at the 'record of little wins' section and get those jealous feelings. I am not jealous of the scores that players have made with their big mtt wins. I'm jealous they got there, that they accomplished something I want to and have wanted to for the longest time.
I understand we can't all be big winners in poker. That's fine. I know I'm not a great player and that's cool. I know I'm decent enough to make it deep in mtts, both small and large fields. I've done it many times and proven it to myself that I can do it. I've made my fair share of final tables and won my fair share of mtts over the years, but it just isn't enough for me anymore. They've all been small mtt scores. Nothing worth sharing or to feel proud about.
In the end, I'm seeking self validation. I want to prove to myself that I'm good enough to accomplish my goal of one big mtt score. It's not going to change my life or won't be the biggest, but I just want the years of playing and improving to feel like it was worth it. I just want to feel accomplished and proud of myself because I don't feel that way. I feel...worthless (best word I could think of), not only as a player but as a member of cc. I don't feel like I belong because I haven't proven myself to be good enough to be amongst the members here. I doubt anyone else views me in that way but, if you do, you're right to do so. Maybe I just need to prove it to myself and no one else but, until that happens, this is how I feel.
I feel like something has to give soon. Either I give up my goal of a big score and just accept I'm not good enough, that I'll always be 'worthless'. That I should just be content with my small mtt wins. Find joy in quantity, not quality. Or, by some miracle, it happens, and I hit my goal. In over 10 years of online mtts, I don't have much confidence in myself or that I'll ever reach my goal.
I think it's best I step away from cc until I can prove myself to myself, or until I can accept that I'll never accomplish my goal because all I feel is jealousy and unaccomplished on here and I know that's all on me. I won't be stepping away from poker, just from here because I don't feel worthy enough to be a member here anymore. I don't have the confidence in myself anymore, so how can I feel confident as a member that wants to give advice and help others to reach their goals? I can't.
But still, sometimes I'll see a post about a huge score someone won. Or I'll just happen to look at the 'record of little wins' section and get those jealous feelings. I am not jealous of the scores that players have made with their big mtt wins. I'm jealous they got there, that they accomplished something I want to and have wanted to for the longest time.
I understand we can't all be big winners in poker. That's fine. I know I'm not a great player and that's cool. I know I'm decent enough to make it deep in mtts, both small and large fields. I've done it many times and proven it to myself that I can do it. I've made my fair share of final tables and won my fair share of mtts over the years, but it just isn't enough for me anymore. They've all been small mtt scores. Nothing worth sharing or to feel proud about.
In the end, I'm seeking self validation. I want to prove to myself that I'm good enough to accomplish my goal of one big mtt score. It's not going to change my life or won't be the biggest, but I just want the years of playing and improving to feel like it was worth it. I just want to feel accomplished and proud of myself because I don't feel that way. I feel...worthless (best word I could think of), not only as a player but as a member of cc. I don't feel like I belong because I haven't proven myself to be good enough to be amongst the members here. I doubt anyone else views me in that way but, if you do, you're right to do so. Maybe I just need to prove it to myself and no one else but, until that happens, this is how I feel.
I feel like something has to give soon. Either I give up my goal of a big score and just accept I'm not good enough, that I'll always be 'worthless'. That I should just be content with my small mtt wins. Find joy in quantity, not quality. Or, by some miracle, it happens, and I hit my goal. In over 10 years of online mtts, I don't have much confidence in myself or that I'll ever reach my goal.
I think it's best I step away from cc until I can prove myself to myself, or until I can accept that I'll never accomplish my goal because all I feel is jealousy and unaccomplished on here and I know that's all on me. I won't be stepping away from poker, just from here because I don't feel worthy enough to be a member here anymore. I don't have the confidence in myself anymore, so how can I feel confident as a member that wants to give advice and help others to reach their goals? I can't.
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