table chat help

I'm in the process of witting a comedy screenplay about online and live poker. My problem is that I hear some really great put downs and funny remarks whilst playing but for the life of me I can't remember very many. Bit like when you go to a bar and hear some great jokes but the next day you can't remember them.
If anybody has some good anecdotes I would love to hear them.
I will put part of the script online if you wish to view it.
Thanks

I have a buddy that (is also a member here) often says "NH"

then waits for the "TY", then quickly replies:

"for me to poop on"

I always get a real kick out of that.

gl w/ your screenplay. I'm interested to read it

Most recent one I heard at a live game was:
Old guy just outfoxed aa 20yr old.
Old guy "Another 20yrs and you may be able to beat me"
Young guy "Thats true. But then anyone can beat a dead guy"

LESMC1 said:

Young guy "Thats true. But then anyone can beat a dead guy"

Click to expand...

That is awesome

There are some here Witty retorts?

my script

If you would like to look at the first draft of my script I've uploaded the first act/episode

I have just finished watching the "top five" poker films of all time. Apart from Rounders they are all very superficial. One thing they all have in common is cheating, which is a very small problem in the modern tournament circuit.
I think a film about the modern professional who is now an entertainer as much as a poker player, with plenty of scope for comedy and suspense, would do well at the box office.

Assorted poker put-downs:

It must be hard to type with those hooves

"I guess your hooves were too big for the Fold button"

When does your book come out?

GAME OVER
PLEASE DEPOSIT MORE COINS TO CONTINUE

(After I broke someone and they complained)
"You should have bet more."
"I Was All in!!!!"
"You should have had more to bet"
(commense massive tilt)

(After I draw out on turn/river)
Guy:You're terrible.
Me:not a 2 card game. It's a 7 card game.

Hi5!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

a lot of times after i win a hand i will say what i had (after we show down and they obviously see what i had...). Like for example I take down a small $20 pot by hitting a pair of tens on the river... I will say

"I had a pair of tens. I won."

they will usually be like 'yeah i know you idiot ' or something like that. it is funny to me.

random things like
"i like tacos"
"at Jack N the Box I can get two taco's for $1"
"that's only 50 cents per taco"

"I thought you played it well"

"I knew it was coming" or "I felt it" or "I had a read"

"Players only at the table, please"

"Hate the game, not the player"

I don't tend to get people flipping out at me but any time I notice 2 guys going off on each other I let it for for a minute the interrupt with:
"Girls, you're both pretty."

Innocent bystander not in the hand: "Hey do not tap the aquariam. Let it go."
Bad beat player: "Its not like he can read anyways."

"My name is Muerte, prepare to die."

A couple of emoticon "fish":

<*(( <

<*((((-<

"Go ask your husband for more money"

[Observer] means you get to observe. It doesn't say [Whiner]

"This is all the Lord's will. I am merely his servant."

"A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti."

I am a lucky player. A powerful winning force surrounds me.

"ty, would you like a receipt for tax purposes?"

======> ATM

Here take out this trash when you leave.

"please don't get your tears on my money"

SEAT OPEN!

"Does it hurt?"
"What?"
"The horseshoe that's apparently up your ass."

"You'd be better at Razz, u never seem to have a hand"

"well brayed"

"Can you give me a ride to the bank?"

"If your IQ was 10 points higher, you'd be a plant"

"That doesn't prove its rigged. That just proves God loves me more"

ME:"You should really contact support about that problem"
Them:"What problem?"
ME:"It looks like your fold button doesn't work"

My opponent bet $20 into a $200+ pot after the flop. I had the nut flush draw so I called. Turn was a blank and he bet $20 again. I called and caught my heart on the river.

I check raised all in and he called.

After I stacked him (he was slow playing his flopped top set), he said "Nice catch donk".

I replied "Nice throw".

I like the nice catch, nice throw, thats the type of throwaway line I'm looking for.
Last night I was playing at the local casino and I overheard on the next table.
Player one is down to a chip and a chair.
Player two "Don't worry about it I was in the same position last week"
Player one "Wow! And you come back from there"
Player two "Nah, I went out the next hand. So no need too worry"
Doesn't sound as funny on paper but it was at the time. Or was it the beer?

I once had a German girl dirty talk me while we played. Of course, I didn't know she was REALLY a girl.

There was this real funny guy at the table the other day who wouldn't stop rambling stupid questions like, 'If you were a chocolate bar, which one would you be.'

That wasn't particularly funny, but at one point he asked if anyone knew how to get hold of a snow leopard. Of course, nobody was replying to these questions. I looked him up on sharkscope and found he was a really good player. A little while later, he bets this other guy out of a pot. The guy gets really upset, demanding to know what this joker was betting with. The joker obviously doesn't want to say but this guy won't give up, getting more and more angry. Eventually, the joker says,

"I will tell you"

"If you tell me how to get my hands on a snow leopard."

The other guy goes on tilt.