Puzzle - What is the safest preflop?

[moosepaw]

Given 9-table Texas Holdem, what are the hands of everyone at the table to give you the highest probability of winning? Note you'll never have 100% chance of winning!

 

[Sokolik]

No combination of preflop cards guarantees 100% success.

 

[Phoenix Wright]

I don't know what the mathematical answer is. My intuition tells me that there is more to this question than simply giving yourself pocket Aces against junk hands like 7,2 offsuit. Since you need to assign hands to the entire table, my gut tells me that spreading random junk hands to everyone else is risky because someone will hit something. My guess is that the opponents would need cards that only slightly beat each other. My gut tells me something where their cards overlap like this:
Yourself: Ace, Ace (suits don't matter)
1st opponent: 7h, 2d
2nd opponent: 7d, 2s
3rd opponent: 7s, 2c
4th opponent: 7c, 2h
5th opponent: 8h, 3d
6th opponent: 8d, 3s
7th opponent: 8s, 3c
8th opponent: 8c, 3h

p.s. Even if they luck out, they are probably chopping the pot