Poker & Major Depression Disorder (Long Post)

Mortis

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WARNING: This is a very long post. It talks about my history in dealing with Major Depression Disorder, and how to deal with it at the poker tables. I don't know if anyone else deals with it as well. But I'm hoping it can help some who do deal with it. Or help some others understand it a bit. I will number the sections if you want to skip over some parts.

1. About Me
2. What is MDD?
3. Dealing with MDD at the Poker Tables
4. Conclusion

1.
Hello. My name is Jason Herold. I'm 38 years old, been playing poker for about 14 years now (Almost 13 of those years spent on CardsChat), and I have been dealing with Major Depression Disorder for about 23-24 years. Most people who meet me don't even know and can't even tell. But I've been dealing with it for a long time.

I never sought help for my MDD. My mom didn't have it, so she didn't understand it. She was the type of person who would try to get me to stay positive by saying, "Think happy thoughts." Growing up, I didn't really talk to my dad much. He disappeared for about 10 years out of my life during my childhood and teenage years. As a young adult, I found out that my biological paternal grandfather committed suicide in the early 90s. I didn't know him. He left my grandmother when my dad wasn't even 2 years old. As I tried to trace back some of my dad's heritage, I found there was a history of depression on his side, but my dad and I never talked about it.

Around 14-15 years old, I started developing migraines and had an MRI done, where the doctor thought I may have had a brain tumor at that time. Turns out I didn't. Just had serious migraines. It was about that time that I started feeling some effects of depression, but really didn't know anything about it.

It took me over 20 years to finally seek help for it from a doctor. 3 years ago, I suffered a major concussion from a pro wrestling match, which changed my way of thinking about some things. And 10 months later, I finally talked to a doctor about it where I was officially diagnosed with Major Depression Disorder (aka MDD aka Clincal Depression).

2.
I'm sure most people know what depression is, but for those who don't know what MDD is, it's a disorder that causes not just sadness, but feelings of emptiness, hopelessness, guilt, and crying for no reason at all, and sometimes it's heightened by events.

MDD can cause a wide range of issues, including sleep disorders, irritability, frustration, lack of energy, eating disorders, suicidal thoughts, and can even cause physical pain like headaches/migraines, and muscles and joint aches.

MDD can lead to one turning to alcohol and/or drugs to help dull the pain, leading to addiction, leading to a deeper depression. But not everyone goes through that, as I'm lucky I have not. I have not felt the need to turn to drugs or alcohol. I've just "dealt with it."

When I was officially diagnosed with MDD 2 years ago, they tried a couple of different meds to help, which nothing did help. So, I'm still just "dealing with it."

3.
But I didn't make this post to just talk about me. I wanted to make this post to try and help poker players dealing with MDD or any other type of depression, and try to help fight through it, on or off the poker tables.

A) Try to stay positive. I know, it's funny. I mention how my mom's advice was always to "think happy thoughts." And it's not always that easy. But the best you can, try to stay positive. Know that you can get passed your episodes and your bad times. And you can push through it.

B) Fight through or take a break? When I'm in a deep depression, it's difficult for me to keep playing. I start to not enjoy the game. Which causes my game to suffer. Which leads to a depleting bankroll. So, I say, don't be afraid to take a break. Rest. Find something else to do for awhile. Find something to occupy your mind. I know that's easier said than done, but when you're on a mental downslope, I recommend stepping away from the tables. Take a walk - pet your dog - listen to music - find something to relax.

C) The highs and lows. If you look at my poker graph, you can usually see where my depression episodes were. My highs are high, and my lows are low. Which leads me back to B - taking a break during your lows.

D) Dealing With Tilt. With MDD, comes irritability and frustration, even when you're not at the tables. So dealing with a bad beat or a troll at the tables can be extremely frustrating. Playing tournaments that you're properly bankrolled for will cut down on tilt. Don't bet the entire bankroll. Play what you're comfortable playing if you were to lose. Because in poker tournaments, you will lose A LOT. When dealing with poker trolls and those who want to belittle or insult you... think about who they are to you. Especially those on the online tables, most are just random opponents that you will never ever meet (unless maybe they're CardsChat players, but let's hope CardsChat players don't act like that at the tables). Try not to let random people get under your skin. They're just random people.

E) Try to surround yourself with a positive support group. It's okay to let go of toxic people from your life. The type of people that you surround yourself with, will greatly affect your mental health... and in this case, your poker game.

4.
This kind of sums up all of the points, but if you can't think clearly and you let these things affect you, then you won't be able to play well.

I hope this helps.
 
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Thank you for sharing a piece of your life. I think your advices are good not only for people with MDD but for most players. And, indeed, as simple they are, that's really hard to control emotions and stick to it.
 
Mortis

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Thank you for sharing a piece of your life. I think your advices are good not only for people with MDD but for most players. And, indeed, as simple they are, that's really hard to control emotions and stick to it.


Thank you. I appreciate that you took the time to read this.
 
Herkstwin

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Well written Mortis. It is not always easy to determine what ails someone and to get proper medical help. I hope you keep seeking out help for your MDD. You provide good advice for others based on the strategies you developed for yourself.
Good luck at the tables.
 
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Well written Mortis. It is not always easy to determine what ails someone and to get proper medical help. I hope you keep seeking out help for your MDD. You provide good advice for others based on the strategies you developed for yourself.
Good luck at the tables.


Thank you!
 
Propane Goat

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Thanks for sharing, Jason. Mental health is way too often dismissed by too many people, but the issues are real and just because someone looks fine physically doesn't mean that they aren't struggling.
 
Mortis

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Thanks for sharing, Jason. Mental health is way too often dismissed by too many people, but the issues are real and just because someone looks fine physically doesn't mean that they aren't struggling.


Too true.
 
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I am sure this will be a great resource for anyone dealing with similar issues. Well written post, and thank you for sharing. I wish you the best going forward.
 
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I am sure this will be a great resource for anyone dealing with similar issues. Well written post, and thank you for sharing. I wish you the best going forward.


Thank you. It's been very hard for me to talk about it in the past, because there is a stigma around depression and mental health in general. But after my concussion 3 years ago, I decided it was time to take it more seriously and be open about it, because it does affect me greatly at times. It's much easier to talk about when I'm not going through depression episodes, so I wanted to take the time to do that.

It also helps me, because it's a reminder to myself that these episodes don't last forever. They can last for hours, days, weeks, and sometimes months... but they're not forever.
 
terryk

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Thank you for sharing your story Jason,,,you are not alone.:) I had an episode a few years ago where i was paralyzed with fear and i couldn't even cross the street,luckily a friend lived nearby and helped me get home.I am one of the lucky ones since i havn't any more episodes since,,,,Thank god,,,,,Stay safe bud!,,,,, ;)
 
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Thank you for sharing your story Jason,,,you are not alone.:) I had an episode a few years ago where i was paralyzed with fear and i couldn't even cross the street,luckily a friend lived nearby and helped me get home.I am one of the lucky ones since i havn't any more episodes since,,,,Thank god,,,,,Stay safe bud!,,,,, ;)


Was it fear or anxiety? Anxiety usually couples with depression, as strange as that is. As I've grown older, I've found my anxiety to have gotten worse. And like my depression, my anxiety will come in episodes as well at times. Anxiety has caused me to stumble my words and then get so frustrated and anxious to the point where it feels like fear. And it has made me back out of events and gatherings that I've been looking forward to... and the concussion I had (in addition to the 2nd concussion I had the following year), causes random lapse of memories and makes me forget what I was doing at that time sometimes. Which in turn, has caused frustration and anxiety, and a little panic, because I feel stupid when that happens. Especially when I'm doing something with other people, and they notice.

I just got out of a long depression, and it was at a horrible time since it started at the beginning of the pandemic taking on a life of its own, then being terminated from my job, and diagnosed with another health problem, but my depression episode started before all that this last time. So, those events heightened it. Not long after, I was able to find a better paying work-at-home job and I'm working on getting my physical health issues under control, and I recently started feeling better.

Anyway, I'm rambling. I'm glad you're doing good! You stay safe, too!
 
wsbar

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Very interesting your post, a lot of courage to come out in public and take on your problem, and expose the difficulties that this evil causes people. You must have already looked for several subjects related to this disorder, it is not easy to deal with it, I hope that your thoughts turn to good and that you have good luck at the tables.
 
Mortis

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Very interesting your post, a lot of courage to come out in public and take on your problem, and expose the difficulties that this evil causes people. You must have already looked for several subjects related to this disorder, it is not easy to deal with it, I hope that your thoughts turn to good and that you have good luck at the tables.


Thank you, I appreciate it!
 
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Bro, I too have depression related issues but few months back I went to doctor for help and it did wonder to me.
 
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Bro, I too have depression related issues but few months back I went to doctor for help and it did wonder to me.


I'm glad you got help for it! General practitioners and meds haven't helped me much and it has caused frustration, but a friend of mine gave me info for a therapist that specializes in depression... I've been sitting on that number for 2 years and haven't gone yet. Not sure I would be able to now because if the pandemic. Once it's over, and I start getting benefits from my new job, I'm going to have to talk to them.

Talking about it has helped, and since I was officially diagnosed with MDD, my mother has begun taking it more seriously and realizing it's not just something where I can "think happy thoughts" and make it go away. Don't get me wrong here though, I think my mother is a wonderful person and means the world to me. She just didn't understand what I go through.
 
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Incredible post. I assure you that the best thing you can do is find a specialist and support yourself unconditionally in your family.
 
ventrolloquist

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WARNING: This is a very long post. It talks about my history in dealing with Major Depression Disorder, and how to deal with it at the poker tables. I don't know if anyone else deals with it as well. But I'm hoping it can help some who do deal with it. Or help some others understand it a bit. I will number the sections if you want to skip over some parts.

1. About Me
2. What is MDD?
3. Dealing with MDD at the Poker Tables
4. Conclusion

1.
Hello. My name is Jason Herold. I'm 38 years old, been playing poker for about 14 years now (Almost 13 of those years spent on CardsChat), and I have been dealing with Major Depression Disorder for about 23-24 years. Most people who meet me don't even know and can't even tell. But I've been dealing with it for a long time.

I never sought help for my MDD. My mom didn't have it, so she didn't understand it. She was the type of person who would try to get me to stay positive by saying, "Think happy thoughts." Growing up, I didn't really talk to my dad much. He disappeared for about 10 years out of my life during my childhood and teenage years. As a young adult, I found out that my biological paternal grandfather committed suicide in the early 90s. I didn't know him. He left my grandmother when my dad wasn't even 2 years old. As I tried to trace back some of my dad's heritage, I found there was a history of depression on his side, but my dad and I never talked about it.

Around 14-15 years old, I started developing migraines and had an MRI done, where the doctor thought I may have had a brain tumor at that time. Turns out I didn't. Just had serious migraines. It was about that time that I started feeling some effects of depression, but really didn't know anything about it.

It took me over 20 years to finally seek help for it from a doctor. 3 years ago, I suffered a major concussion from a pro wrestling match, which changed my way of thinking about some things. And 10 months later, I finally talked to a doctor about it where I was officially diagnosed with Major Depression Disorder (aka MDD aka Clincal Depression).

2.
I'm sure most people know what depression is, but for those who don't know what MDD is, it's a disorder that causes not just sadness, but feelings of emptiness, hopelessness, guilt, and crying for no reason at all, and sometimes it's heightened by events.

MDD can cause a wide range of issues, including sleep disorders, irritability, frustration, lack of energy, eating disorders, suicidal thoughts, and can even cause physical pain like headaches/migraines, and muscles and joint aches.

MDD can lead to one turning to alcohol and/or drugs to help dull the pain, leading to addiction, leading to a deeper depression. But not everyone goes through that, as I'm lucky I have not. I have not felt the need to turn to drugs or alcohol. I've just "dealt with it."

When I was officially diagnosed with MDD 2 years ago, they tried a couple of different meds to help, which nothing did help. So, I'm still just "dealing with it."

3.
But I didn't make this post to just talk about me. I wanted to make this post to try and help poker players dealing with MDD or any other type of depression, and try to help fight through it, on or off the poker tables.

A) Try to stay positive. I know, it's funny. I mention how my mom's advice was always to "think happy thoughts." And it's not always that easy. But the best you can, try to stay positive. Know that you can get passed your episodes and your bad times. And you can push through it.

B) Fight through or take a break? When I'm in a deep depression, it's difficult for me to keep playing. I start to not enjoy the game. Which causes my game to suffer. Which leads to a depleting bankroll. So, I say, don't be afraid to take a break. Rest. Find something else to do for awhile. Find something to occupy your mind. I know that's easier said than done, but when you're on a mental downslope, I recommend stepping away from the tables. Take a walk - pet your dog - listen to music - find something to relax.

C) The highs and lows. If you look at my poker graph, you can usually see where my depression episodes were. My highs are high, and my lows are low. Which leads me back to B - taking a break during your lows.

D) Dealing With Tilt. With MDD, comes irritability and frustration, even when you're not at the tables. So dealing with a bad beat or a troll at the tables can be extremely frustrating. Playing tournaments that you're properly bankrolled for will cut down on tilt. Don't bet the entire bankroll. Play what you're comfortable playing if you were to lose. Because in poker tournaments, you will lose A LOT. When dealing with poker trolls and those who want to belittle or insult you... think about who they are to you. Especially those on the online tables, most are just random opponents that you will never ever meet (unless maybe they're CardsChat players, but let's hope CardsChat players don't act like that at the tables). Try not to let random people get under your skin. They're just random people.

E) Try to surround yourself with a positive support group. It's okay to let go of toxic people from your life. The type of people that you surround yourself with, will greatly affect your mental health... and in this case, your poker game.

4.
This kind of sums up all of the points, but if you can't think clearly and you let these things affect you, then you won't be able to play well.

I hope this helps.


Many of us have been there. It's brave and kind of you to post something like this, so thank you for sharing this.


One thing that really helped me in the past was talking to a counselor, this is a wonderful additional source of support for me and I hope you can consider it as well if you haven't already.

It can be hard to get out of those ruts, I wish you many months of happiness and progress :). I am happy to see you have found ways to lift yourself up.
 
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ToNy70929

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A touching personal story. You are a good person. I hope you will always have one positive
 
xmuggpokerx

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Everyone has problems don’t feel alone. We all got something. You just got to learn how to come up with an answer to those problems. Mind over matter right?
 
Mortis

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Incredible post. I assure you that the best thing you can do is find a specialist and support yourself unconditionally in your family.

Many of us have been there. It's brave and kind of you to post something like this, so thank you for sharing this.


One thing that really helped me in the past was talking to a counselor, this is a wonderful additional source of support for me and I hope you can consider it as well if you haven't already.

It can be hard to get out of those ruts, I wish you many months of happiness and progress :). I am happy to see you have found ways to lift yourself up.

A touching personal story. You are a good person. I hope you will always have one positive

Everyone has problems don’t feel alone. We all got something. You just got to learn how to come up with an answer to those problems. Mind over matter right?

Thank you, everyone. Part of working through it is talking about it. So, I appreciate you
all taking the time to read and respond.
 
terryk

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Was it fear or anxiety? Anxiety usually couples with depression, as strange as that is. As I've grown older, I've found my anxiety to have gotten worse. And like my depression, my anxiety will come in episodes as well at times. Anxiety has caused me to stumble my words and then get so frustrated and anxious to the point where it feels like fear. And it has made me back out of events and gatherings that I've been looking forward to... and the concussion I had (in addition to the 2nd concussion I had the following year), causes random lapse of memories and makes me forget what I was doing at that time sometimes. Which in turn, has caused frustration and anxiety, and a little panic, because I feel stupid when that happens. Especially when I'm doing something with other people, and they notice.

I just got out of a long depression, and it was at a horrible time since it started at the beginning of the pandemic taking on a life of its own, then being terminated from my job, and diagnosed with another health problem, but my depression episode started before all that this last time. So, those events heightened it. Not long after, I was able to find a better paying work-at-home job and I'm working on getting my physical health issues under control, and I recently started feeling better.

Anyway, I'm rambling. I'm glad you're doing good! You stay safe, too!
Hey,Jason :) I'm not sure,but i had just started a new job with alot of responsibility and i was suffering from anxiety at the time,so that had alot to do with it im sure,,,,Glad to hear your doing better,,,just remember about people,,the important ones care about You. :D Cheers Bud.
 
P86

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Every person is dealing with his own deamons in my opinion some can recognize the deamon and other s don't most important is to keep fighting no matter what shit throws at you. You will be down but you need to always manage to get back up... Even of hope is so thin.. Until one day you get there for good
 
azforlife

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I think taking meds if nothing else's working is the way to go. If you can will yourself to a strong mindset then no. This is up to you, I'm talking from experience.
 
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Talk to psychiatrist is the only way to cop the depression as I too am a patient of depression and taking medicines for about a year now.
 
jordanbillie

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WARNING: This is a very long post. It talks about my history in dealing with Major Depression Disorder, and how to deal with it at the poker tables. I don't know if anyone else deals with it as well. But I'm hoping it can help some who do deal with it. Or help some others understand it a bit. I will number the sections if you want to skip over some parts.

1. About Me
2. What is MDD?
3. Dealing with MDD at the Poker Tables
4. Conclusion

1.
Hello. My name is Jason Herold. I'm 38 years old, been playing poker for about 14 years now (Almost 13 of those years spent on CardsChat), and I have been dealing with Major Depression Disorder for about 23-24 years. Most people who meet me don't even know and can't even tell. But I've been dealing with it for a long time.

I never sought help for my MDD. My mom didn't have it, so she didn't understand it. She was the type of person who would try to get me to stay positive by saying, "Think happy thoughts." Growing up, I didn't really talk to my dad much. He disappeared for about 10 years out of my life during my childhood and teenage years. As a young adult, I found out that my biological paternal grandfather committed suicide in the early 90s. I didn't know him. He left my grandmother when my dad wasn't even 2 years old. As I tried to trace back some of my dad's heritage, I found there was a history of depression on his side, but my dad and I never talked about it.

Around 14-15 years old, I started developing migraines and had an MRI done, where the doctor thought I may have had a brain tumor at that time. Turns out I didn't. Just had serious migraines. It was about that time that I started feeling some effects of depression, but really didn't know anything about it.

It took me over 20 years to finally seek help for it from a doctor. 3 years ago, I suffered a major concussion from a pro wrestling match, which changed my way of thinking about some things. And 10 months later, I finally talked to a doctor about it where I was officially diagnosed with Major Depression Disorder (aka MDD aka Clincal Depression).

2.
I'm sure most people know what depression is, but for those who don't know what MDD is, it's a disorder that causes not just sadness, but feelings of emptiness, hopelessness, guilt, and crying for no reason at all, and sometimes it's heightened by events.

MDD can cause a wide range of issues, including sleep disorders, irritability, frustration, lack of energy, eating disorders, suicidal thoughts, and can even cause physical pain like headaches/migraines, and muscles and joint aches.

MDD can lead to one turning to alcohol and/or drugs to help dull the pain, leading to addiction, leading to a deeper depression. But not everyone goes through that, as I'm lucky I have not. I have not felt the need to turn to drugs or alcohol. I've just "dealt with it."

When I was officially diagnosed with MDD 2 years ago, they tried a couple of different meds to help, which nothing did help. So, I'm still just "dealing with it."

3.
But I didn't make this post to just talk about me. I wanted to make this post to try and help poker players dealing with MDD or any other type of depression, and try to help fight through it, on or off the poker tables.

A) Try to stay positive. I know, it's funny. I mention how my mom's advice was always to "think happy thoughts." And it's not always that easy. But the best you can, try to stay positive. Know that you can get passed your episodes and your bad times. And you can push through it.

B) Fight through or take a break? When I'm in a deep depression, it's difficult for me to keep playing. I start to not enjoy the game. Which causes my game to suffer. Which leads to a depleting bankroll. So, I say, don't be afraid to take a break. Rest. Find something else to do for awhile. Find something to occupy your mind. I know that's easier said than done, but when you're on a mental downslope, I recommend stepping away from the tables. Take a walk - pet your dog - listen to music - find something to relax.

C) The highs and lows. If you look at my poker graph, you can usually see where my depression episodes were. My highs are high, and my lows are low. Which leads me back to B - taking a break during your lows.

D) Dealing With Tilt. With MDD, comes irritability and frustration, even when you're not at the tables. So dealing with a bad beat or a troll at the tables can be extremely frustrating. Playing tournaments that you're properly bankrolled for will cut down on tilt. Don't bet the entire bankroll. Play what you're comfortable playing if you were to lose. Because in poker tournaments, you will lose A LOT. When dealing with poker trolls and those who want to belittle or insult you... think about who they are to you. Especially those on the online tables, most are just random opponents that you will never ever meet (unless maybe they're CardsChat players, but let's hope CardsChat players don't act like that at the tables). Try not to let random people get under your skin. They're just random people.

E) Try to surround yourself with a positive support group. It's okay to let go of toxic people from your life. The type of people that you surround yourself with, will greatly affect your mental health... and in this case, your poker game.

4.
This kind of sums up all of the points, but if you can't think clearly and you let these things affect you, then you won't be able to play well.

I hope this helps.

Mortis, thank you for sharing your personal story on a topic that doesn't get enough attention in "everyday conversation." I would like to suggest a possible method of healing for you...philosophy.

This will probably be very easy for you to just brush off, but I urge you to just pick up one book and read it. One book. You see, philosophy (once studied) accesses an entirely different method of thinking, one that turns thinking in on itself. I want to emphasize that I am speaking of moral philosophy, not academic philosophy. The goal is to get yourself to study yourself, and uncover the lifelong practice of a philosopher. The ancients used to hold philosophy in the same regard as medical doctors. You would go to a doctor for a ailment of the body, you should go to a philosopher for an ailment of the mind. Now we don't have many philosophers walking around like they did in antiquity, but you can "see" whichever philosopher you would like, by picking up his book.


I am so direct in my post because philosophy has significantly changed my life and I have only been practicing for about a year. It's so good, but you have to figure that out on your own. The paradox is palpable.

Good luck! I hope you give it a shot! Remember...one book!

P.S. Here is a list of my favorite philosophers to date:

Marcus Aurelius
Epictetus
Alan Watts (more modern)
John Locke
David Hume
Henry David Thoreau
Thich Nhat Hahn
and of course H.H. Dalai Lama


P.P.S. If you're interested, I did post a 2019 book review thread, which could be used as a quick reference to choose a book you may like to read. Here is the link: https://www.cardschat.com/forum/community-hangout-4/2019-reading-list-446578/
 
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