ESPN WSOP Final table press release (not)

Snowman1964

Snowman1964

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Any chance the next ESPN press release will look like this?


____________________________________________________________

JOINT PRESS STATEMENT FROM ESPN AND WSOP

We understand there has been some confusion regarding our decision to alter the timing of the WSOP Main Event “Final Table” and would like this opportunity to clarify matters.
The final day of the World’s most prestigious poker tournament was due to be held on 3rd July but has now been put back until December 14th 2017.

We believe not only will this give us ample time to sell more advertising slots during the commercial breaks but also justify our new policy of inserting 14 intermissions per hour. This is, of course, subject to change if Jamie Gold reaches the final table in which case we will increase it to either 23 or whenever he plays a hand.
Our board of directors came to this decision following many hours of focused discussion at a local bar and only concluded the meeting when all avenues had been explored and they ran out of vintage champagne.
We believe this rescheduling is in the best interests of poker and has nothing to do with any potential increases in quarterly bonuses for our executives. The recent sighting of a salesman from the Bentley dealership doing a lap of honour around our building with his underpants on his head is purely coincidental.

The company also consulted several professional players to assist in our deliberations and were in no way swayed when we discovered that Jerry Yang would be on a three-month prayer tour of the Atlas Mountains on the newly proposed date. Both the WSOP and ESPN consider he has been a great ambassador since his win last year and believe his sponsorship deal with Lockheed to promote the new stealth fighter plane has been a complete success.
He’s been around but you just haven’t seen the bastard.
Likewise, we sought scientific advice on the statistical likelihood of both Phil Helmuth and Mike Matesow simultaneously losing their voices and have been assured this is the most likely time when they would be unable to speak. From this point alone we expect an additional 3 million viewers.
Helmuth’s full response of how he’s the greatest player in history can be found on Pages 1 – 712 of a separate press release and a supplement in next month’s edition of “Modern Psychiatric Illnesses”.

The possibility of the revised date clashing with other final tables in events from Europe and Asia was fully explored but quickly dismissed as irrelevant as we don’t have multi-million dollar franchise deals to televise them.
We trust this puts an end to recent speculation but if further details are required we welcome written questions that will be diligently scrutinised before we file them in the big waste compactor in the corner of the car park.

We look forward to many more productive years in partnership with the WSOP and can assure you all that we will leave no stone unturned in making a mockery of the Worlds most popular pastime at your expense.

ESPN Head Office.

_____________________________________________________________

Maybe not, but it's probably better than the one they issued in USA Today.

Snowman

Diary of a Crap Poker Player
 
Debi

Debi

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Lol - you have the gift of gab. I should have tracked you down when I was in Cheltenham last week. It would have been easy to find you once I described your mother-in-law at the local pub.
 
Snowman1964

Snowman1964

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Yeah, thanks Dakota. Shame I missed you, I saw your photos on the other thread and it looks like you had a good time. Hopefully we can hook up when I get to Atlanta later in the year.
 
Debi

Debi

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Yeah, thanks Dakota. Shame I missed you, I saw your photos on the other thread and it looks like you had a good time. Hopefully we can hook up when I get to Atlanta later in the year.

Keep us posted on your trip - me and Gesshoo could show you some southern hospitality.
 
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