Path to online poker grinding

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kurthead

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I would like all the advice possible from anyone basically getting a step by step together on getting a good BR on a poker site. I usually have to start with 20$ so the tips should start from there. I can often do well but eventually bust out so I obviously need to fix some problems. I sometimes get into gambling that I shouldn't while trying to grind that money up. Bigger tables and MTTs. But besides that it seems like a lot of times I just can't do anything about the bad beats and suckouts that crush my BR in one night after a few nights of up and down. What are the benefits to using Multiple tables? I can use about 3 or 4 and still concentrate I think. It gives me a little more patients and helps me play a little tighter. Is this what I should be doing? How loose should I be playing preflop on micros? I find that hands usually go best with the flop in micros because it's cheap to see the flop and big hands that hit usually take a big chunk of money from bad players. Idk. All advice would be much appreciated.
 
Arjonius

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Most people who claim playing multiple tables improves their patience are at least partly covering up the fact that they don't want to work on their short attention spans. They don't actually concentrate more, at least not more per table. They just get their attention distracted away from poker less often.

If, as it seems, you've lost multiple small bankrolls, there are two most likely causes, possibly working in combination. One is that you don't play well enough to beat the micros. If this is due to lack of knowledge, it's quite easy to remedy, but if the cause is poor application of said knowledge, which can be for a variety of reasons, that can be much tougher to fix.

The other is poor BRM. In this case, the problem is almost always poor application. Except for newbies and people who have made no effort to learn, it's pretty difficult not to have heard of BRM. And it's very easy to set reasonable guidelines. Where people fall down is not following them.
 
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I would stay away from MTT's with a $20 bankroll. What site are you playing at? What games/stakes do you normally play?

You should basically be playing the smallest stakes possible on the site you are playing with that small of a bankroll.

Many people have to deposit a few times and go bust before they start winning. Read a lot of articles, and post hands.
 
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kurthead

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I think I know a lot of what I should be doing but have trouble applying it. I break my rules sometimes. Usually if I stick only to micros I can build my br some, but when I get bad hits or something I lose it. And I gain patience from multi-tabling because I don't have to wait quite as long for a decent hand to play. If I'm playing one table it bugs me to sit and keep having to fold while doing nothing. And I agree with bowlboy that I need to stay away from mtts but I usually place in them, like 70% of the time if I play tight I make it to the money, but I never make it to the big part of the money. Usually go out in about 15th which is about 7-15$ instead of the 200-300$ I'm after. And when that happens after playing the tourny for 5 hours and getting so close, I play really bad after that, because I want to win it asap. I play those in hopes to get a decent starting BR. If I can take one first place then I'm dealing with a 200+ br instead of the crappy 20-40. If I can get up in the hundreds then I can take hits and bounce back. But overall when doing solely micros I think I come out about 15%-30% in the plus side after about 6-8 hours of playing, but usually lose it screwing up in various ways. I guess I need to be able to stick to the application issues. Any ideas on discipline? How can I apply my knowledge better without running in to trouble? Also, I guess any tips are welcomed as well, because I know I don't know all I should know about online poker, but I do know quite a bit. I can at least fold trips and straights when I know I'm beat and a lot of noobs take a long time to get to that point and always think top pair is the nuts. I can read people fairly well and read bets fairly well. I just lose control a lot. I need better control and discipline. All tips welcome. So I guess in big part it's very poor BRM and poor application.
 
alaskabill

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Here is a solid post from a valued member about the best way to build from a tiny bankroll. https://www.cardschat.com/forum/learning-poker-57/building-a-baby-bankroll-181238/

Since it sounds like you play tourneys I won't try to comment on your play since I'm a cash player but head over to the tourney sub forum and start reading posts and discussing hands with people.

You keep saying that you know what you're doing but obviously you are having some issues or you wouldn't keep busting bankrolls. While I'm sure tilt is part of it I'm sure you're not as good as you think you are. That's not said to be an ass its just that most people overestimate their skill when they are starting out.

Good luck.
 
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kurthead

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I'm not saying I'm all that great. I gave an accurate summary of my stats. When I play micro cash tables only I win about 15-30% more than I lose. When I play MTTs I place about 70% of the time. Those are essentially the facts. And my only assessment on how good of a player I am. I know my problem are basically my lapses in judgement and concentration. That's what I need to work on. I tried to build up from sngs because a lot of people suggest it but I do badly in those, and I think it's mainly because I don't enjoy them. I feel like everyone is playing it like a freeroll then I get caught up in that. I take mtts and micro cash tables more seriously. I think I should stay away from the sngs and mtts and concentrate on micro cash. I just need to be able to keep control. That's what I need to know is tips for basically keeping an eye on myself. Somehow to monitor myself. A lot of times especially I screw up when I play too late and I try to win a certain loss back before I go to bed. that always screws me. Like if I play for about 12 hours I always lose in the last 4 or 5. I really think I mainly need control. I do need to get better of course. I don't think I'm great. I do think I'm decent and good enough if not almost good enough to at least consistently profit on micros. And learn enough there to build up. If I can control myself. I do need to get better.
 
alaskabill

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So, I guess I don't get what your asking. You claim that you are a winning player at both cash and tourneys. 70% cash rate at MTTs would be pretty sick. If what you say is accurate how come you keep busting your roll. According to you you are a winning player?

I'm really not trying to be a troll. What you are writing makes no sense. If you are a winning player carry on and you need no help from the likes of us. If you are not a winning player than you will get more useful advice by posting more, and accurate information.

I'm defining winning player by "shows a profit over a significant sample size" and not your view of your skills. If you are a winning player why do you need advice on building a bankroll? You all ready have one.

Edit: I just reread your last post. Don't play 12 hour sessions and don't chase losses. No offense but both of those things should be pretty obvious.
 
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kurthead

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I'm a winning player until I start screwing up. I'm a winning player for hours then will do something stupid like sit at a .25-.50 table. Or play a 35% of my br in an mtt desperately trying to get a big starting br. I PLACE in the mtts 70% of the time. I don't win big in them ever. ANd that always screws with me. I play too tight in mtts and never take enough risks to get enough chips to take it down to first. So I'm not that great at mtts just super tight. I am pretty good at micros, but I lose patience and jump to bigger things sometimes or other times I lose my concentration after many hours of winning and start making big mistakes to lose almost all my money in minutes. It's a huge lack of control and discipline.
The reason those percentages don't make sense with a loss is because I was trying to best describe my situation meaning that while I'm a winning player those are my percentages until I lose my grip. Then they plummit to the negative. but those percentages remain for hours. The mtts I DO place 70% of the time but I guess I've only broke even on them because of my problem with control. Because I'll play some I shouldn't be playing that are bigger buyins and lose those because I'm afraid to lose them and don't play worth a damn when I'm afraid. One time I sat at 3 micro tables and bought into them for 3 dollars each and got up to like 24$ on table 1. 18$ on table 2. and 9$ on table 3, (this is done in about 3-4 hours) but after so many hours I may take a big hit to my table one 24$ down to like 18$. But it will be close to bedtime and I wanna try to win it back. Then I end up HAVING to go to sleep and by that time table 1 has 10$ 2 has 5$ and 3 has 8$. (This happens over the course of about an hour or less). I lose control. I lose my concentration. I lose my grip. I don't know why and need to figure out why. I don't know how to keep my perspective.
 
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Arjonius

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Losing players are all winning players while they're winning. So what? They're still losing players overall, which is what counts.

You are a losing player. Whether you could be a winning player if you control your spewing enough doesn't change that. Until you do control it, you're still a losing player.

And I get the sense you're looking for a magic pill, an instant easy solution. If there were one, no one with even a modicum of sense would have this type of problem. But the reality is that for most of us, it's a difficult, time-consuming process to improve our self-discipline. It's hard and takes time because there's no simple universal cure. You know what you need to do / to stop doing. The sooner you start, the sooner you'll get far enough in the process to begin seeing results.
 
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kurthead

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Losing players are all winning players while they're winning. So what? They're still losing players overall, which is what counts.

You are a losing player. Whether you could be a winning player if you control your spewing enough doesn't change that. Until you do control it, you're still a losing player.

And I get the sense you're looking for a magic pill, an instant easy solution. If there were one, no one with even a modicum of sense would have this type of problem. But the reality is that for most of us, it's a difficult, time-consuming process to improve our self-discipline. It's hard and takes time because there's no simple universal cure. You know what you need to do / to stop doing. The sooner you start, the sooner you'll get far enough in the process to begin seeing results.
Which is obviously why I'm seeking help. Describing the type of losing player I am doesn't mean I think I'm a winning player. I describe my skill set and my weaknesses to get tips, instead I just keep being told that I'm a losing player. I'M AWARE OF THIS. (I wouldn't need to be asking questions on here if I were a winning player.) My problem requires specificity to be solved, does it not? I can't just get on here and say "I lose my money while playing, now how do I fix this?" Now anyone please let me know how to fix the problems I've listed.
I know there is know universal cure, that's why I'm asking for "tips/advice" not magic. I also know that it will take time and practice and work and patience to achieve discipline, but I'm sure there are things that could help me with that process, if anyone has ideas. I want to know how to fix these problems. How to be able to view myself from the outside rather than just going through the motions. Learn how to terminate my playing when I've been playing too long or start messing up.
Maybe there are people who went through this problem for a while and found ways to deal with it, and intend to offer more than expressed superiority.
 
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stg1969

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Which is obviously why I'm seeking help. Describing the type of losing player I am doesn't mean I think I'm a winning player. I describe my skill set and my weaknesses to get tips, instead I just keep being told that I'm a losing player. I'M AWARE OF THIS. (I wouldn't need to be asking questions on here if I were a winning player.) My problem requires specificity to be solved, does it not? I can't just get on here and say "I lose my money while playing, now how do I fix this?" Now anyone please let me know how to fix the problems I've listed.
I know there is know universal cure, that's why I'm asking for "tips/advice" not magic. I also know that it will take time and practice and work and patience to achieve discipline, but I'm sure there are things that could help me with that process, if anyone has ideas. I want to know how to fix these problems. How to be able to view myself from the outside rather than just going through the motions. Learn how to terminate my playing when I've been playing too long or start messing up.
Maybe there are people who went through this problem for a while and found ways to deal with it, and intend to offer more than expressed superiority.
Kurt...

I think i was similar but since being on cardchat and reading some more books (try the mental game of poker, by jared (cant remember surname)..

The advice i could give you (and i have by no means yet achieved my goals, its an ongoing battle), is to make a daily journal of when you play poker.

I write down notes on every SNG I play in.

Example..

1) SNG $3.50 6 Ring (first game of the day) 10.30am
Made a medium error early and went down from 10k to 7k, tightened up. Played ABC poker and went on to get 2nd and cash.

2) SNG $3.50 6 Ring - 11.45am
Played tight, got down 3 handed, one guy had 30k, me and the 3rd guy 16k and 14k.... got A/10 raised, shortstack shoved pre flop, snap called, he had QQ and they held.

If i make silly errors, i will write it down..and also go back and review hand history from a SNG i feel ive made mistakes in.

If you get tired or tilty, take a break.

Do NOT under any circumstances, step up a level to try and win back losses, this will be a guaranteed BR blower.
 
Tino11

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Your problems all stem from application of what you know and not learning what you dont know. stg1969 mentions The Mental Game of Poker by Jared Tendler. I have just finished reading it and it would do your game the world of good. You seem to be suffering some kind of entitlement tilt. You win to a point, but then believe because of that, you should win more. Sadly, poker doesn't work like that. You have to constantly be learning and adjusting.
Theres a thread here somehwere offering someone the chance of free poker training at Poker Zion. Apply for that, if you get it, your game will improve without doubt.
There is so much advice, so many articles on the net and its hard sometimes to know which and what is right for you.
Do you use any tracking software at all? If not, you should. Start posting some hand histories here of hands where you might be making mistakes and losing chips.
Theres a link above to a good post about starting a bankroll from a small deposit.
There are loads of sites now where you can get free bankrolls. To hone your skills, use them to try different concepts that you learn.
Writing session notes is a great idea and costs nothing but time.
You might think of getting a poker buddy to do a sweat session with you, if you trust anyone enough to do that, or ask them to review some of your hands.
The list is just endless really and it all comes back to you and how much effort you want to make to become a decent player. You only get out what you put in.
Good luck, I hope you manage to get these issues sorted out.
 
alaskabill

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First, solid posts by stg169 and Tino.

Second, OP as one of the people who has given you "expressed superiority" I would like to say you asked in your first post for:

"basically getting a step by step together on getting a good BR on a poker site" I gave you a link that shows you how to do exactly that.

You proceed to say, basically, that you know what you are doing wrong but you lack the self control to stop doing it. Any advice that you get, including the excellent advice from the poster above me still requires that you have enough self control to implement the advice.

Anyways, I was a bit more of an ass than I intended and I would like to apologize for that. If you are looking for material about tilt control read Jared Tendler's book "Mental Game of Poker" or you could get a trial subscription to Deuces Cracked and download Tommy Angelo's series "The path to poker Enlightenment".

Fair warning though, you still have to apply what they tell you in order for it to work.

Good luck.
 
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I read that you think you should be staying away from mtts because you never hit the big money although you place in them %70 percent of the time. That is exsactly where you should be playing. Clearly whatever your game style is it works for tourneys or for at least the first 2/3 of them. I would more so drop the other games and focus on improving your mtt skills which you clearly have some skill in, just no end game from the sound of things. I don't know where you play but pstars is probably the best bet if you can play there *I can't usa player*. What I would like to know is what your stack is like when you hit the money are we talking like top 36 places pay and when you go into the money your like 36/36. I mean are you hitting te money with like 3 BBs left or what? cause at %70 success rate of making money you should be making a final table or two. When you start out with a small br best bet is to play where your having success.
 
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The whole patience thing I would suggest maybe turbo tourneys usually only a couple of hours to make money prob 3 tops to win the whole thing. Without really knowing how your playing I would suggest being more aggressive the closer you get to the money a lot probably 80% of players tighten up during this period.
 
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kurthead

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Kurt...

I think i was similar but since being on cardchat and reading some more books (try the mental game of poker, by jared (cant remember surname)..

The advice i could give you (and i have by no means yet achieved my goals, its an ongoing battle), is to make a daily journal of when you play poker.

I write down notes on every SNG I play in.

Example..

1) SNG $3.50 6 Ring (first game of the day) 10.30am
Made a medium error early and went down from 10k to 7k, tightened up. Played ABC poker and went on to get 2nd and cash.

2) SNG $3.50 6 Ring - 11.45am
Played tight, got down 3 handed, one guy had 30k, me and the 3rd guy 16k and 14k.... got A/10 raised, shortstack shoved pre flop, snap called, he had QQ and they held.

If i make silly errors, i will write it down..and also go back and review hand history from a SNG i feel ive made mistakes in.

If you get tired or tilty, take a break.

Do NOT under any circumstances, step up a level to try and win back losses, this will be a guaranteed BR blower.
That's exactly what I'm talking about! Keeping records of what I'm doing in poker should very well help me keep a better lockdown on my playing. Thank you very much. Now I just hope I can use the discipline to keep using the journal haha. I think I'll really try to get that down.
 
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kurthead

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Your problems all stem from application of what you know and not learning what you dont know. stg1969 mentions The Mental Game of Poker by Jared Tendler. I have just finished reading it and it would do your game the world of good. You seem to be suffering some kind of entitlement tilt. You win to a point, but then believe because of that, you should win more. Sadly, poker doesn't work like that. You have to constantly be learning and adjusting.
Theres a thread here somehwere offering someone the chance of free poker training at Poker Zion. Apply for that, if you get it, your game will improve without doubt.
There is so much advice, so many articles on the net and its hard sometimes to know which and what is right for you.
Do you use any tracking software at all? If not, you should. Start posting some hand histories here of hands where you might be making mistakes and losing chips.
Theres a link above to a good post about starting a bankroll from a small deposit.
There are loads of sites now where you can get free bankrolls. To hone your skills, use them to try different concepts that you learn.
Writing session notes is a great idea and costs nothing but time.
You might think of getting a poker buddy to do a sweat session with you, if you trust anyone enough to do that, or ask them to review some of your hands.
The list is just endless really and it all comes back to you and how much effort you want to make to become a decent player. You only get out what you put in.
Good luck, I hope you manage to get these issues sorted out.
Thank you a lot. This also covers my primary issues much better. And I'll heed to much of your advice. Especially try to get into that poker training. And will search more for tips and knowledge to improve my game. There's a rule I read before that I've tried to work but have had trouble making myself use the rule. It says to create a tilt induced kill-switch. As soon as I feel tilt I'm supposed to stop. One of my big problems though is STOPPING. I love to keep playing and playing.
 
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kurthead

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First, solid posts by stg169 and Tino.

Second, OP as one of the people who has given you "expressed superiority" I would like to say you asked in your first post for:

"basically getting a step by step together on getting a good BR on a poker site" I gave you a link that shows you how to do exactly that.

You proceed to say, basically, that you know what you are doing wrong but you lack the self control to stop doing it. Any advice that you get, including the excellent advice from the poster above me still requires that you have enough self control to implement the advice.

Anyways, I was a bit more of an ass than I intended and I would like to apologize for that. If you are looking for material about tilt control read Jared Tendler's book "Mental Game of Poker" or you could get a trial subscription to Deuces Cracked and download Tommy Angelo's series "The path to poker Enlightenment".

Fair warning though, you still have to apply what they tell you in order for it to work.

Good luck.
Thank you very much for the advice and apology. I appreciate it. Also, you're right about what I originally tried in this thread to decide how to work a br up and start grinding, but we got stuck on my main problem with the br. But, what the other guy said about using the journal I think would do very well with the problem I've been having (and you're right about as long as I can actually use that tip. I hope I can and I'm really going to try to). All my life I've had poor discipline and patience.

I guess there a lot of people who just say "I'm great but I keep losing because other people play badly." So I can understand your quicker response to that type of thing. And I probably didn't specify at first well enough to make sure it was understood that I thought PARTS of my game were good but other parts of my game were killing me.
 
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kurthead

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About 7 hours ago I bought into itnertops poker with 15$ bankroll. Now my bankroll is 78$.
 
Arjonius

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Which is obviously why I'm seeking help. Describing the type of losing player I am doesn't mean I think I'm a winning player. I describe my skill set and my weaknesses to get tips, instead I just keep being told that I'm a losing player. I'M AWARE OF THIS. (I wouldn't need to be asking questions on here if I were a winning player.) My problem requires specificity to be solved, does it not? I can't just get on here and say "I lose my money while playing, now how do I fix this?" Now anyone please let me know how to fix the problems I've listed.
I know there is know universal cure, that's why I'm asking for "tips/advice" not magic. I also know that it will take time and practice and work and patience to achieve discipline, but I'm sure there are things that could help me with that process, if anyone has ideas. I want to know how to fix these problems. How to be able to view myself from the outside rather than just going through the motions. Learn how to terminate my playing when I've been playing too long or start messing up.
Maybe there are people who went through this problem for a while and found ways to deal with it, and intend to offer more than expressed superiority.
It seems odd to say you wouldn't ask questions if you were a winning player. It implies your desire to improve would somehow vanish once you do improve enough to become a winning player.

I'd guess that you wrote this because you really didn't think beyond the moment. To me this looks like it could reflect how you are at the poker table. You start losing, you get the urge to play higher to try to win it back, and you follow said urge without thinking beyond the moment.

You also say you want to be able to view yourself from the outside, but when I offer my external view, you dismiss it as an expression of superiority, probably because you simply don't like what I said. If you're only willing to accept feedback that you like, you make it a lot harder to improve.

And since it appears you didn't understand that I was offering advice, I'll try to state it more clearly. What I think you really need to work on is basic self-discipline. Unless you improve in that regard, tips aren't likely to control the problem, not very well anyway.

For example, I can say "Since you start losing after 4 hours, don't play sessions that are any longer." But how much would that help? It seems safe to assume you already thought of this. If so, it means you ignore it, which comes back to self-discipline.

I could also say "Set a timer for 4 hours when you start playing." There's some chance you didn't think of that. But if you don't improve your self-discipline, how often will a little beep or ding be enough for you to stop playing? Probably more than never, but still less than always. So it will help, but it won't solve the problem.

I've had and continue to have self-discipline issues in my play, although not this particular one. Each one I've managed to get reasonably under control took time. I've tried bunches of tips. Various ones helped, but none was even close to being a cure. The vast majority of my improvement came from within. It was and still is hard and slow because we're talking about learning to control urges and emotions, which none of us likes to do.

So, the heart of my advice is to understand and accept that real change has to come from within. There's no road map, so start drawing your own.
 
rancidcarp

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bankroll management is very important----does no good to win anything if you cant hold on to it----be a player not a gambler. play for the $ dont play for the thrill of gambling.
 
alaskabill

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FWIW I had one more idea that might help you, that I have used. To go along with your journal you should write out a pre game list of goals to focus on.

IMPORTANT!! MONEY IS NOT ONE OF THE GOALS!!! You want to focus on a couple of things that you can absolutely control.

Example: (based on my issues your list will be unique to yourself)
1. Focus on position. Don't start playing laggy UTG.
2. Don't call 3 bets out of position 4 bet or fold
3. Don't be a station on the river.

Your list might focus on length of playing session or other issues but the important thing is to make it relevant to you and to make it something that you can do successfully if you're running in god mode or being variance's bitch.

The root of 99% of self control problems in poker is a results orientated mind set. It doesn't matter. The suck out that fish just made doesn't matter. The flush you just rivered doesn't matter. Making the right decision is the only thing that matters. Make that your mantra.
 
Johniblayze

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Your list might focus on length of playing session or other issues but the important thing is to make it relevant to you and to make it something that you can do successfully if you're running in god mode or being variance's bitch.

The root of 99% of self control problems in poker is a results orientated mind set. It doesn't matter. The suck out that fish just made doesn't matter. The flush you just rivered doesn't matter. Making the right decision is the only thing that matters. Make that your mantra.

Sucks when your variance's bitch.

I couldn't agree more about being results orientated. Just b/c you hit your flush w/ 1 card to come doesn't mean you had the odds to call.

This is a really hard 1 for me to apply. You should feel great great joy when you get it in good and someone sucks out. If it wasn't for those players playing poorly, there would be no edge for you. You wouldn't be able to profit if ever1 played well and made no mistakes. So next time you get a bad beat you should be happy not furious. Happy you got it in good and happy you were able to get someone to play poorly against you and give you action. A lot easier said then done. Of course you will be mad when your AA's are cracked, but if the fish never won they wouldn't play.

GL & run good.
 
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It seems odd to say you wouldn't ask questions if you were a winning player. It implies your desire to improve would somehow vanish once you do improve enough to become a winning player.

I'd guess that you wrote this because you really didn't think beyond the moment. To me this looks like it could reflect how you are at the poker table. You start losing, you get the urge to play higher to try to win it back, and you follow said urge without thinking beyond the moment.
I know you're right. Shortly after i wrote it I realized that that was wrong. That I would still need advice if I were a winning player. But I guess it should've been worded a little differently. I think I meant that if I were a winning player I wouldn't need to know how to grind specifically.
 
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kurthead

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It seems odd to say you wouldn't ask questions if you were a winning player. It implies your desire to improve would somehow vanish once you do improve enough to become a winning player.

I'd guess that you wrote this because you really didn't think beyond the moment. To me this looks like it could reflect how you are at the poker table. You start losing, you get the urge to play higher to try to win it back, and you follow said urge without thinking beyond the moment.

You also say you want to be able to view yourself from the outside, but when I offer my external view, you dismiss it as an expression of superiority, probably because you simply don't like what I said. If you're only willing to accept feedback that you like, you make it a lot harder to improve.

And since it appears you didn't understand that I was offering advice, I'll try to state it more clearly. What I think you really need to work on is basic self-discipline. Unless you improve in that regard, tips aren't likely to control the problem, not very well anyway.

For example, I can say "Since you start losing after 4 hours, don't play sessions that are any longer." But how much would that help? It seems safe to assume you already thought of this. If so, it means you ignore it, which comes back to self-discipline.

I could also say "Set a timer for 4 hours when you start playing." There's some chance you didn't think of that. But if you don't improve your self-discipline, how often will a little beep or ding be enough for you to stop playing? Probably more than never, but still less than always. So it will help, but it won't solve the problem.

I've had and continue to have self-discipline issues in my play, although not this particular one. Each one I've managed to get reasonably under control took time. I've tried bunches of tips. Various ones helped, but none was even close to being a cure. The vast majority of my improvement came from within. It was and still is hard and slow because we're talking about learning to control urges and emotions, which none of us likes to do.

So, the heart of my advice is to understand and accept that real change has to come from within. There's no road map, so start drawing your own.
And what is all this about me not being able to take criticism? And not liking what I hear? I mostly agreed with your post and it brought issues to light that I had. So I don't know what you're talking about. I also agreed with you that I was a losing player. I just said that didn't help me with the problem I was helping. The post kept going backward so I was becoming aggravated. I had no problem with your advice and found it helpful. I disagreed with you automatically saying I was looking for a panacea. I wasn't.
 
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