How NOT to play a home game
1. Everybody decides to ruin a perfectly good evening of visiting, drinking, Nintendo playing, and lounging about by suggesting a game of Texas
2. At least three people exclaim at the speed of light that they brought their poker sets with.
3. Spend 15 minutes in a conference to explain that Texas holdem and holdem are indeed the same game. Confuse everyone by mentioning that there are other holdem games like omaha. Watch everyone insist that there is only 1 holdem and thats texas holdem and thats final.
4. Even though everyone claims to know how to play and plays often, and nevermind that the entire lot makes decent money, suggest we play for $5 each so that it stays 'friendly'.
5. At least two onlookers need to be dazzled and amazed that some people have their own chip sets. They should say something like, "Damn, you must do this for a living or something."
6. All players spend ten minutes admiring the 300-piece-Walmart-set.
7. Wait 5 minutes so everyone can go get their sunglasses out of their cars then listen to those without sunglasses argue that those with sunglasses have an unfair advantage and that no one should be allowed to play with sunglasses.
8. Take 20 to 30 minutes to debate how to divide up the chips. Take another 15 minutes to assign values to them. Don't be afraid to argue 5, 10, and 25 vs. 50, 100, and 250. At least 3 people should point out that the latter is too many chips.
9. Set the blind structure. My personal favorite is to start blinds at 10 and 20 after initially including chips worth 5.
10. Get the dealer button out and everyone looks at you funny when you ask why we need the dealer button when we are all going to take our turns dealing. Everyone tells
you its so that no one forgets who was just the dealer. Everyone looks at you even funnier when you says its probably the guy with the deck of cards in his hand.
11. Argue for a further 10 minutes that the big blind is after the small blind to the left of the dealer and not to the right as opposed to what the in house guru says.
12. Its finally time to start so 2 should just now leave to go to the bathroom and 3 others should have already left the table to go chat and do other things. Call a ten minute break and then we start!
13. Get everyone back to the table. Just before dealing someone should insist that some random guy walking by also join the game. When random guy says he doesn't want to play and also DOESN'T KNOW HOW and HAS NEVER PLAYED BEFORE and HATES CARDS just ignore that and keep insisting.
13. Everyone looks at you funny when you mentions there are no chips left over so we would have to redo chip structure.
14. The two remaining guys who brought chips should volunteer to get their chips at the speed of light.
15. Make room for the new player and find him a chair.
16. Watch 4 players get up to go get more beer.
17. Yell at the 4 players to get back to the table but bring a pen and paper so we can write out the hand rankings
for the new guy.
18. All nine other players start hollering out random advice to the new guy. Be sure to use plenty of jargon so he has no clue what anyone is saying.
19. Argue for 5 minutes about drawing for seats.
20. take 10 minutes to take out ace through 9 and hang your head in shame when the dude doing it makes sure its all the same suite. Deal out 1 card per player face up.
21. watch people get agitated when their card is dealt face up because their card is showing and take another 5 minutes to explain that we haven't started yet, just drawing for seats.
20. Argue for 5 minutes about who deals first.
21. Watch everyone get confused when you suggest that whoever drew the ace should deal, the 2 will be small blind and 3 will be big blind.
22. Agree finally that dealing out 1 card to each player and having highest card deal first is good idea.
23. Deal out the cards face down.
24. Convince the five players who don't want to show their card to anyone else that its OK, we STILL haven't started - this is just to see who the dealer is.
25. Take another 5 minutes to explain that what we did earlier was draw for seats, and this is different.
26. Explain to the new guy that this is not the actual game after new guy says that on TV they get 2 cards.
27. Obv new guy is first dealer. Cringe as you realize your 5-year-old shuffles better. Coach him to deal 2 cards to each player - one at a time. Cringe again as you can see every card he deals as he holds the deck straight up and down.
28. Every player must now limp every single hand for the duration of the night.
29. No player may ever post his blind - EVER! Everyone only posts their blinds after you reminds them. You must remind them EVERY HAND.
30. The dealer (everyone not just the new guy) should deal out the flop turn AND river before the action is done every other hand.
31. explain that this is not the way it is done because the reason for burning cards is to discard potentially marked cards and dealing the entire game out defeats that purpose, someone then pipes up "but no one had a chance to mark the cards yet"
32. The BB must never be given the option to check or raise. The very millisecond that the SB's call hits the table you must deal out the flop. Everyone must Look at you funny when you point out that the BB had the option to raise.
33. After every player limps someone must comment that they think that player is bluffing. This rule applies to every round of betting and you don't even have to be in the hand to say it.
34. At least one player must make a big overbet out of turn EVERY SINGLE HAND. Everyone looks at you funny when you make them take it back and wait their turn. When it gets to their turn, they defiantly put the big bet back out and say something like, "See, I just made the same damn bet anyway!"
35. Never push any chips into the middle after a round of betting. Leave them right in front of you and stack your future bets and calls on top of your old ones. Also acceptable here is just throwing them towards the middle so they mix with the other chips already in the middle. Everyone looks at you funny when you make them say how much they just bet.
36. The new guy should say this every single time it gets to him: "So how many do I have to put in now?" The table should now bombard him with advice on any and every possible holding he might have. After about five minutes of this he should repeat his question. At this point he should call if its a minbet (which it is about 95% of the time) and fold if its anything bigger. His cards are completely independent of this btw.
37. Have a big argument about whether a flush beats a straight or not after you push all-in on the river after you flopped the nut flush against someone's straight.
The guy with the straight should quote the hundreds of times he has watched poker on TV and he KNOWS a straight beats a flush.
38. Someone new walks by - have a 20 minute discussion as to why he can't just buy in and play too.
39. One player must start making huge overbets on 5 or 6 consecutive hands. This player should now start to get really arrogant and some of his friends should comment about how good he is because he won the last $5 drunken challenge.
40. Arrogant overbettor should now start to explain that he's making the bets because a good player knows to bet out if everyone is checking to him. Only once in a great great while will there be anyone smart enough to lay a trap - it just doesn't happen in these home games.
41. Everyone looks at you funny when you comment about the trap you just pulled off 3 minutes ago with the flopped nut flush. They STILL didn't see it.
42. Vomit in your mouth when your aces get cracked. Twice. By king-rag off and 28 suited. Smile politely when donkey says "They were suited, I had you crushed."
43. Even though the table has played SOOOOOOOOOOO passive all night - when you see 6 limpers and look down at KK and proceed to raise 12X BB - the following action should go call, call, call, fold, reraise all-in, fold, call all-in, fold, call, call. The douchebag overbettor wins with KT offsuit. Other hands are a pair of fours, a couple of ace-rags.
44. A bunch of the players should now comment how good douchebag overbettor is as it is quite evident that no one ever beats him. Comment that he must surely play a lot and probably plays a lot online also. Make no connection whatsoever to the fact that you were the only one who knew the damn rules and procedures.
45. Try explain that a pair of 7's beating AK is not a bad beat.
46. Try explain that a flush on a paired board is NOT the nuts.
47. Arrogant overbettor should go on to win the game getting heads up with the new guy. New guy loses after limping and folding every single hand down to his last chip. Should be a huge roar when it ends.
48. People who didn't play or watch should ask who won. Upon hearing this they should concur he won because he is so good - so good that he even has his own chips.
49. Agree with everyone when they say that its all luck anyway.
50. Make a comment about work in the morning and leave to go home and pull out your hair.
This isn't my post, I found it on another forum.
I relate to it so well it's scary and decided to share.