How to Have a Good Poker Night
Go into your garage/storage unit/around your house ... find something you could sell for like $200 that you definitely wouldn't mind missing. Items such as an ex-girlfriend or ex-wife's family heirloom, or vase, or some furniture that they left that may have you rolling your eyes in disgust every time you see it.
Sell that crap.
1. Take a nice hot 30-40 minute shower, so you can feel your best.
2. Make sure you neatly trim your beard/mustache or shave that 5 o'clock shadow. And other parts...
3. Groom yourself and make yourself presentable and attractive.
4. Spray on some cologne.
5. Wear your best "I'm getting lucky tonight" outfit.
6. Apply some more cologne.
7. Leave the hat, sunglasses, iPod, and all credit cards at home, you don't need them tonight.
8. Jump in your car.
On the way to your poker room:
1. Don't even think about cards.
2. Imagine how ugly lady luck has looked in the past.
3. Now imagine that girl in high school who was a total troll and somehow miraculously at your high school reunion now she's a Sports Illustrated model. And your 1st love at your high school reunion is now the troll.
4. Now Imagine Lady Luck after that realization.
5. Get yourself pumped up by jamming out to something on the radio.
6. When you park your car. Make sure you text yourself which section you parked in, and possibly what color your car is, depending on how belligerently drunk you can possibly get.
At The Casino:
1. Go straight to the card room, **** the blackjack
tables, the slot machines, and video poker.
2. Go sit down at $1/$2 NL.
3. Buy in for $125 out of your $200
4. Stick the $75 in your pocket.
5. Buy your favorite mixed drink. Not a beer. A MIXED drink.
6. Chug it
7. Order one more.
8. Chug it.
9. Order one more.
10. Do not chug it. Let it sit there for pretty.
Now you're playing and feeling pretty good.
1. You're not here to make money tonight.
2. You're here to get lucky. Lady Luck wants your sack because you look and smell fantastic. Not to mention, maybe you're a light drinker. You can talk to anyone now, even Jessica Alba. Keep drinking maybe you'll see her in the bar area of the casino later on.
3. Only play with gut instincts. I prefer not even looking at my cards.
4. Any 2 will do approach.
5. Make sure people remember who you are. You can do this by flipping the card table over when someone sucks out on you. You can do this by throwing $1 chips at your opponents and throwing your mucking cards in the dealers face. You can do this by throwing up on the felt. Or dropping your frito pie on the carpet.
6. If you do happen to look at your cards. If you ever see 27o 27s and there's a raise in front of you re-raise 4x his raise. Even if it puts you all in.
7. You're not going to make any money tonight
8. Once you bust out, make sure people remember your name and face. The easiest way is to say "I'm Sean F****** Pilgrim, bitch." after you had stood up and chugged your 3rd drink.
9. Be rude and if you can let out a nice one.
Now: You're buzzed or drunk...
1. If not, have another.
2. Go find Jessica Alba in the bar.
3. Take Jessica Alba on a date to the $5 slot machines.
4. Seduce her, if you have no skill in this I'm sorry I'm not Dr. Phil... although I think his advice is misleading much like Miss Cleo.
5. Whatever you do make sure, you leave with out any of that original $200.
6. Dump the rest into a cab ride, slot machines, black jack, something you know you're going to lose it eventually.
1. Safely, maybe Jessica Alba can give you a ride home. And possibly even tuck you in.
2. Or hold your hair if you start to vomit (if you have long hair)
3. I dunno, if you've made it this far... I don't know it's a 50/50 if you're getting any.
4. At some point you will pass out.
1. At some point you will wake up, hopefully your dream girl has left, cuz she might not be a dream girl in the morning. If she leaves her number don't even call. Unless you were sober and she does look like Jessica Alba.
2. Feel great knowing you just got rid of a piece of crap piece of furniture or other item that your ex left behind.
3.Feel great knowing every regular that was at that $1/$2 NL table, thinks you are an insane donkey and is going to play at you next time, (use that to your advantage).
4. Laugh at the fact that you told them "I'm Sean F****** Pilgrim! bitch."
5. Don't even worry about the $200, it's tainted money. That shit you sold was housing a ghost that was waiting to scare the shit out of you 4 life.
6. It was free money, that old crap in your house was sitting there for awhile. Not only do you kind of gain mental ownership of that crap, you pretty much own that crap after 3 months, I'd say it yours.
Days to Come
1. Go play $1/$2 NL... play straight ABC poker, hopefully with a few of the guys who remember you from last time.
2. Play TAG.
3. Make some money.
4. Go home knowing you 100% set those regulars up.
5. Hopefully now you have more than made up for the free $200 donk money.
Rinse and Repeat every 9 Months...