Explaining your poker playing to your GF

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ph_il

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So, I just had a mix of a discussion and argument with my GF over my poker playing and I could use a little advice with this situation.

I told her that I've been playing for a month, I made a deposit of $25 and I have increased it to $400+ while playing $1-$2 MTTs. I explained BRM to her and how I'm risking a small percent of my BR for a larger reward. I even showed her my results online that show my total profits, how many MTTs I've won, etc, to prove that I am a winning player at these micro-stakes and that my mere investment of $1 or $2 to play a tournament is nothing to be concerned about when I'm showing such a good return on my money.

Her main concern is that I play every night mon-fri, I see her on the weekends and that I'm gambling too much and playing with $400 is way too much. I, again, tried explaining again about BRM, my tiny risk for a big reward, and that I'm never going to risk my whole BR on a given night.

I even gave her an analogy of : Someone says that if you pay them a penny, they'll flip a coin. If that coin lands on heads, you get a dollar and if lands on tails, they keep the penny. And this is the tiny risk for large reward I'm investing on when I play, except its not based purely on luck but a lot of skill as well, which I have shown her that I have to beat these games. Still, she thinks I'm risking my entire $400s whenever I play and that me playing every night scares her because of all the gambling I'm doing...

If you have any advice or been in this situation, I'd like to hear it. I understand her concern, especially from someone who doesn't play or knows what I'm talking about. But I just wish she could also understand where I'm coming from as well. That a) I only invest $25 out of pocket, b) I'm a winning player and have built it up to where it is), c) I risk a tiny percent of my money for a big reward, and d) I'm never risking my entire BR so there is no chance of me ever losing it all at a given time.
 
ccocco

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I think this well what you're doing, especially see that you got full control over your bankroll, that's good because in a slump no arriegarias whole BR. is the hardest as they say BR control. And what your doing. it's okay.
 
duggs

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Well why is it any of her business to be honest? Seems like a red flag to me
 
Debi

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I think you did a good job of explaining it so if she doesn't get it then she just needs to get over it. That is the money part - you spent $25 - big damn deal. :)

As for how much time you spend playing - that is something you need to compromise with her on so that you ensure you are not spending so much time playing that it affects your relationship in a negative way.
 
PokerFunKid

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I had the same argument with my mother a few days ago lol. I told her i started with nothing and build a nice BR. She doesnt understand i dont cash out everything. But when i explained her about BRM she start to understand more and somewhere she hopes i will be a crazy profitable player in the future as i told her if i ever cash big i will give her 50% of my cash. Since then she never ask me anymore besides how im running lolol.
 
toots babos

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maybe withdraw a bit, treat her to something nice and explain that this treat is because of profits from poker........ maybe then she'll be eager to let you carry on playing so more treats come in the future :)
 
TomLeach

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PokerFunKid suggests an interesting idea, but short of bribing her... lol

Explaining the BRM was a good move, if she doesnt get it, try again.
Ask her if she would mind if you were a stockbroker, its largely the same principle... Educated and informed bets, based on odds you are given.

Another thing to discuss would be to remove your original 25$ deposit, show her that not only are you no longer playing with 'your money' but in that short period of time you have an ROI of 1500%
 
fubarcdn

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Tootsy has the right idea.
It is likely more about the time than the money. If you spend some of your winnings on her she is more likely to support your hobby.
When couples argue about money it is very rarely really about the money.
She is likely feeling that poker is more important you than her.
Is it?
 
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ph_il

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Well why is it any of her business to be honest? Seems like a red flag to me
This isn't a red flag. I understand her concern because it's something she doesn't fully understand just yet. And true, it isn't her business but I'm open with her and would like her to be a part of what I enjoy. She may not play, but to get some encouragement and such for doing well would be nice. Just like how i support the things she does, even though I'm not a part of it.
I think you did a good job of explaining it so if she doesn't get it then she just needs to get over it. That is the money part - you spent $25 - big damn deal. :)

As for how much time you spend playing - that is something you need to compromise with her on so that you ensure you are not spending so much time playing that it affects your relationship in a negative way.
She doesn't get that I only invested $25 and I've built it up to where it is now. She things that everytime I play, I'm risking my entire BR. And she's such a smart girl, too...

As far as time spent, we both work mon-fri and live about an hour away from each other. So, we rarely see each other during the week and thats when I play. On the weekends, my time is with her. So, it's not affecting our relationship as far as time together goes.
I had the same argument with my mother a few days ago lol. I told her i started with nothing and build a nice BR. She doesnt understand i dont cash out everything. But when i explained her about BRM she start to understand more and somewhere she hopes i will be a crazy profitable player in the future as i told her if i ever cash big i will give her 50% of my cash. Since then she never ask me anymore besides how im running lolol.
Nice. I'm hoping she'll understand just like your mom did.
maybe withdraw a bit, treat her to something nice and explain that this treat is because of profits from poker........ maybe then she'll be eager to let you carry on playing so more treats come in the future :)
I treat her out plenty because I also have a job as well. Poker is just a profitable hobby of mine and yes, I eventually withdraw some of my money and it will more than likely go towards her...sheesh, what is she so upset about? Most of my money goes towards her anyway. lol
PokerFunKid suggests an interesting idea, but short of bribing her... lol

Explaining the BRM was a good move, if she doesnt get it, try again.
Ask her if she would mind if you were a stockbroker, its largely the same principle... Educated and informed bets, based on odds you are given.

Another thing to discuss would be to remove your original 25$ deposit, show her that not only are you no longer playing with 'your money' but in that short period of time you have an ROI of 1500%
Yeah, I'll definitely try again. I could easily withdraw the money, rebuild it back up, and repeat. So, that is an option.
 
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ph_il

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Tootsy has the right idea.
It is likely more about the time than the money. If you spend some of your winnings on her she is more likely to support your hobby.
When couples argue about money it is very rarely really about the money.
She is likely feeling that poker is more important you than her.
Is it?
I don't see how she does. I only play during the week in the evenings and I see her during the weekends. When I'm with her, I'm with her.

She told me her biggest concerns about me playing are: the money I'm risking and how often I play. Like I mentioned earlier, she thinks that the more money I'm making, the more I'm risking but it's the exact opposite. The more I make, the less I'm risking because I'm staying at the same level. She also thinks that me playing 2-4 MTTs a night is way too much. She even said that she worries I might have a gambling problem with how much I'm playing and thats so frustrating to hear. Especially when I cant seem to get her to understand that my tiny gambles playing MTTs are paying off because I'm profiting.

The thing is, I just want her to understand what I'm doing and just be happy that I'm doing what I enjoy and am good at. I want that support; she doesn't have to fully understand it or even understand it completely, but I want her to understand I know I'm not risking a lot, I know what I'm doing, and I do it well.
 
duggs

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This isn't a red flag. I understand her concern because it's something she doesn't fully understand just yet. And true, it isn't her business but I'm open with her and would like her to be a part of what I enjoy. She may not play, but to get some encouragement and such for doing well would be nice. Just like how i support the things she does, even though I'm not a part of it.She doesn't get that I only invested $25 and I've built it up to where it is now. She things that everytime I play, I'm risking my entire BR. And she's such a smart girl, too...

given you aren't sharing finances nor is it influencing your time with her and its clearly important to you. yea id call it a red flag.
 
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What shes trying to say is to put more attention/time to her and not poker.

One more thing, woman sees poker as a gambling game.
 
fubarcdn

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Maybe she knows someone that has or had a gambling problem or another addiction problem and she is affraid that you are the same.
I think you need to find out more because there is something missing here.
Maybe her father gambled away the rent money. It is a good opportunity to learn more about her.
If the issue is what she says it is you should definitely try explaining it to her again perhaps in an easier to understand way like maybe showing her your account statement that shows you only deposited $25. That is much easier to understand than BRM for someone that has no interest in poker.
 
BiliousBetil

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Anyone who has ever struggled through a disagreement over golf, fishing, televised sports or prurient materials online :eek: can feel you. As has already been mentioned, the issue often isn't the money; but rather, the idea that some activity could be more important than your mate.

I suppose you might try the old girlfriend/wife/partner tax. This is where you pay a percentage of your winnings to your significant other. This way you're in it together. BTW, it might be prudent to pay even when you lose. ;)

Cheers!
 
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I don't see how she does. I only play during the week in the evenings and I see her during the weekends. When I'm with her, I'm with her.

She told me her biggest concerns about me playing are: the money I'm risking and how often I play. Like I mentioned earlier, she thinks that the more money I'm making, the more I'm risking but it's the exact opposite. The more I make, the less I'm risking because I'm staying at the same level. She also thinks that me playing 2-4 MTTs a night is way too much. She even said that she worries I might have a gambling problem with how much I'm playing and thats so frustrating to hear. Especially when I cant seem to get her to understand that my tiny gambles playing MTTs are paying off because I'm profiting.

The thing is, I just want her to understand what I'm doing and just be happy that I'm doing what I enjoy and am good at. I want that support; she doesn't have to fully understand it or even understand it completely, but I want her to understand I know I'm not risking a lot, I know what I'm doing, and I do it well.

Based on your description, it seems that your girlfriend has no interest in approaching this issue objectively. She clearly believes that poker is gambling (which is true for everyone in the short-term and most everyone in the long-term) and she's not comfortable with your gambling. Or she's using the gambling excuse because she doesn't like the fact that you spend so much time doing something that doesn't include her.

You explained to her that you're reducing your risk at the table by utilizing fairly conservative bankroll management, and that your affinity for poker is just that: an affinity for the game, not a gambling addiction.

If you are unwilling to stop playing poker and she is unable to tolerate you playing poker, then something has to give. It's up to you to decide which thing is more important to you.

The only real recommendation I have is this: you don't need a $400 BR to play $1 and $2 MTTs. If your gf would feel better if you cashed out $200 and used the remaining $200 (locking in $175 profit) as your bankroll, that MIGHT be a reasonable compromise. My opinion is that this problem will just occur again at some future time if you try this option, but that's just my two cents. Regardless, if you really are better than the players at the $1-$2 MTT level, then a 100+ buy-in bankroll will likely be sufficient.

Good luck.

-HooDooKoo
 
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TomLeach

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Another though: have you tried skyping her whilst you play? If youre only playing 2-4 a night, youre probably not multi tabling more than 2 tables, so its reasonable you could talk to her.. although if you can talk and play, this is a terrible idea because your roi will plummet and she will be annoyed if you cant focus on her whilst you talk... hah.
 
dj11

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Pics, else you're just chasing a draw.

IMHO, she sees you as showing weakness because you are only spending MOST of your money on her. She sees you as exploitable......and you think she's talking about your poker.:eek:
 
EA2USN

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It is a tough situation that I went through with my former girl friend, I have been playing poker for many years prior to meeting her, and she was aware of it. How ever as our relationship grew she began seeing the time that was involved with me playing poker both online and in casino's.

She ended up moving in with me and she had two young children that also moved in. It first started out that all this money you have put aside for poker could be used for what she deemed "better things, ie vacations, toys, going out more for dinner, and so on" If I loved her and her children I should not be so selfish with my poker money. Then it became about the time spent gambling the trips to vegas and other casinos for tourneys.

The fact that she her self was not a gambler and despised casinos was also a strain on the relationship as she would not go on trips with me.

Eventually I had to make a decision for myself. To either give up poker or give up the relationship. I am still playing poker and no longer dating her, although we did remain friends and I see her children quite a bit and her daughter is now a poker enthusiast and player, and a fairly good one, with some coaching from me.
 
denisthemenys

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the problem is generally much if not most women are not really interested in poker and to explain a person who is interested about poker bankroll think it's a trivial thing to do or understand why you lose so much time in front computer instead you spend with it does not really work in the first place if it's a serious relationship should spend most of their time trying to know to understand not to play poker etc thinkers that poker is just a hobby so treated it as such for that either vb between us is like a bankroll of $ 400 so we are professionals up to become a professional poker as a hobby treated not put privacy at the same place in the future so I think poker instead do to understand what 's that and how did you manage you bankroll from $ 25 to make $ 400 better remove her to a romantic dinner do something to feel loved and while her understand your passion for poker and I say this from experience anyway good luck at the tables and either grow your bankrolull X10000 :)) then talk about it
 
arizoney

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lol definitely a red flag! Have you ever heard a person crying and saying "i coundnt change him" not that this could fall into your category but just a thought. Life is full of compromises for goals and achievements that you have set for yourself. Excuse me if im way out there its just a thought. Good Luck Good Luck
 
Debi

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I like the idea of withdrawing - I would only take out $100. Show her your $75 profit and maybe do that periodically.

Though I think you are in the US and depending on where you are playing might not be able to withdraw such a small amount.
 
n3rv

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You don't even need to take out $100. Withdraw your initial $25+$1, give it to her in the form of a small present - explain to her again that is all the money you have ever gambled with playing poker and more and that you have just withdrawn it for her. Freeroll with $375+ winnings.

Also, I'll echo what a few other posts have hinted at... why does she really not like you playing poker? Has she had a bad experience with poker/gambling? Does she not like the time it is taking out of your relationship? Etc., etc...

Surely there must be deeper reasons here. I can't believe it is just a simple misunderstanding about bankroll management causing so much conflict. If it is, then I'd probably just move on. It'd tilt me too much... :laugh:
 
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Her main concern is that I play every night mon-fri, I see her on the weekends and that I'm gambling too much and playing with $400 is way too much.

Buddy, she might be still concerned because she wants to see you more often.
I read very carefully and i think that your rationalizations just don't work on her only because, in her mind, poker is your main time killer. So, try to find more time for your girlfriend and don't talk about poker in front of her, God no...
Damn, i sound like a girl now :p :D
 
skiptomyloot

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For the people around our lives that don't play poker usually label it as gambling, and I think it takes an open minded person to allow themself to understand it when you're trying to tell them what you're doing with poker.If you barely adopted poker and have been with your girlfriend for a longtime, it can come off as something she's not used to and she might get the idea of feeling left out because now poker is taking up all your time in the relationship. I think its good you were honest and tried to explain yourself.. it would just be so much easier if you just tell her how you feel about it, and assure that she can trust you and ask any question she needs an answer for. Allow her to understand that you want her support and to be involved in something you like doing.
 
starting_at_the_bottom

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Dont try and buy her approval, because

1. You have earned it and you do not need to prove anything to anybody else
2. When you have a downswing and cannot buy her anything, she will not understand and you will be back to square 1.

Just arrange a fair amount of time to spend with her, and then either tell her you will play poker and if she cant deal with it then its not your problem, or just tell her you are doing something else.
 
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