Destined to fail! (Long Post Warning)

spsb83

spsb83

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Just added this too my blog and thought I'd stick it on here and see if I get any responses. http://onetimepokergod.wordpress.com

A holiday and a fresh perspective. Destined to fail!

Well I was hoping to come back from holiday ready to tear up the virtual and make my mark in the micro stakes and quickly move up the stakes. What has happened could significantly change my future. I have realised whilst away that I am destined to fail.

Not because I'm hopeless at poker or tilt to much or have poor bankroll management but because that is my perceived outlook on my life. I always seem to put obstacles in my way to stop my self from succeeding. There is always something or someone to blame. Even if I try to succeed my sub-concious will set me up to fail, we'll come to back this though.

So I have just got back from a relaxing week in Cyprus. I read Amarillo Slim's book which was a good easy read. I read a book on Titanic Thompson a hustler and proposition bettor from the 1920's-50's (highly recommend reading), some of Doyle Brunson's autobiography and some of The mental Game of Poker. I sat by the pool of our villa imagining playing in some high stakes, high risk poker game in Texas during the 50's and what and adventure they old school poker pro's must have had. Imagining myself coming back and finally making my fortune playing online.

I also read a few chapters of a book my girlfriend is reading called 'Taming you gremlin' it sounded like some crap self help book but it actually shocked me and highlighted my 'gremlin' or what holds me back in poker and in life. I will also say I'm from Yorkshire, England and self help books are not what men read, its booby mags and the sports pages whilst drinking real ale beer. So saying this book helped me is a massive compliment to the book.

What this book tells you or did me in the few chapters I read is about that voice in your head and the effect it really has on us. If for example your a positive person then you will generally hear positive thoughts in your head or if your generally negative and self-deprivating then you will have negative inner thoughts (obvious I know). What became apparent from the book is that this gremlin or inner voice is not as blatantly obvious as the above statement suggests like a jakal in disguise will find a cunning way to get want they want. I'll use my poker game to highlight this thought process.

Currently I am steadily working my way up the cash ladder and moved up to 5nl just before the holiday which is all good except one mighty problem, I am destined to fail and will even self jeopardise my game unknowingly so that I fail.

Years ago I got pretty good at sit n gos and manage to move up to the $10 9man tournies from the $1 level then decided to switch to MTT's and lost the money until I was back to my original bankroll. Then I moved to multi-table sit n go's the 45/90 man ones. I was pretty good at these and moved up a few stakes but then has I began turning a reasonable profit I changed to heads up and promptly lost the money until I was back at my starting bankroll. By this point I had improved my heads up game and again slowly moved up until the $7 heads up level and went on what I thought was a terrible downswing before switching to cash games where I am now. Whatever I do I end up back at around $80, this cycle has being going on for years now much like in my life.

So following this pattern I will maybe make it 10nl and then my gremlin will say why don't you switch to omaha or back to heads up, It will work on me for few weeks slowly grinding me down until I switch and then promptly lose most of my bankroll. I will tell myself this is the right thing to do because we assume everything we tell ourselves is in our best interest, because why would we tell ourselves to do something which is bad for us, its totally bonkers but we programme ourselves overtime through past events, moral values and our personality to shape our decisions and what we believe we deserve without us even knowing. On a basic level I know I am a more of a pessimist than an optomist in regards to my own life. “I will never be that lucky, that will never happen to me" sort of outlook. But this goes much deeper even when we think we're being positive, telling ourselves we can do something, so in my case I'm confident I can make it to 10nl but much like I did in sit n go's making it up to the $10 level or in heads up sngs make it to the $7 level but ultimately find a way to lose and end back at my $80 starting bankroll and start the cycle again. Because somewhere inside my mind I believe this is where I should end up.

What is strange about all of this is my friends would describe me as laid back, happy go lucky person. I come across as someone confident and in control. I have lots of plans but most will never come to fruition because I get in the way.

I recently began outlining a documentary looking at gambling, poker, focusing on propostion betting. I have just set a media production company so this work is not new to me. I have been given a contact who finds funding for documentary projects. So I need to get into gear and get the outline and proposal sorted and contact this producer. What I would normally do is put off contacting him or finishing the outline and proposal my way to failure, In my head I will be saying "they won't like the idea anyway" or "I'm busy anyway at the moment, the garden shed needs painting, my sock drawer needs organising". Any excuse not to do something which could lead to something better. I think its also what if they do like the idea and then I actually have to find the people and make the documentary and that then fails. I talk a good talk about why it didn't work out along the lines of:

"They really liked the idea but with budget cuts and the current financial climate, I'll probably have to wait till next year but its still in the pipeline just later down the line".

I'm not out to decieve people its just easier to say something like this.

Reading that back to myself is quite sobering and a wake up call, trying and failing is one thing, but just failing is totally ridiculous and pointless.

The most obvious answer I can find is that by self destructing and causing failure myself I never really fail. I can't fail in making the documentary because it never really got started. By switching poker games whilst I'm ahead I'm never a failure just another poker player with a bad beat story. The reality is I am the cause of my misfortune.

If your reading this then its a step in the right direction for me as I would probably normally write it and then not post it worrying about the responses, or is it too long, too boring, totally bonkers. But does it really matter the world will not self destruct and the sun will rise tomorrow as usual. If I can slowly change my mindset or at least understand my thought process better I have a much better chance of reaching my targets in both poker and life.

If you stuck with it then thank you for reading what started as a quick update on my holiday turned out to be an eye opening essay. Hopefully my next post will have me heading in the right direction.
 
stately7

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Cool post spsb83, i think by getting that down in writing and sharing it here, you are basically stepping in the right direction re staring down some of those negative voices.

In a funny kinda way, you can use your relatively harsh Northern English upbringing - usually reserved for boorish, macho behaviour etc - to get tough on the negative thoughts "that's enough from you self-destructive bastard! no more sabotage!" You know?
 
Arjonius

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If you just look at the monetary angle, the repeated cycle of winning money, changing games and losing it obviously isn't productive. This raises the question of the degree to which you feel poker is about winning money. Lots of people put time into hobbies and recreational activities that cost them money. From that perspective, breaking even or even losing some affordable money overall is NP.
 
spsb83

spsb83

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@Arjonius: I am striving and working hard on my poker game and would like to make money from it. I'm not looking to be a full time poker player but would like to move up in stakes, even to prove to myself that I am capable. Hopefully I can break the cycle, if not I will have to settle for being a recreational player.

@stately7: I like your train of thought, Every time a negative thought enters my head I will remember that I am in fact a yorkshireman who has no time for such mamby bamby thoughts.
 
dj11

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FWIW, When I learned poker it was always dealers choice. We all had to learn to be reasonably decent at a variety of way of looking at the table.

Newer players learned only holdem. They know other forms exist, but to them they are novelty games. This may or may not explain why I prefer HORSE, which is sort of codified kitchen table poker, and newer players wanting to learn to expand on what they believe is their holdem adequacy.

Advice to all players wanting to expand their poker resume is to get comfortable with the new game via play money poker. I can't tell you how often I see a Holdem player trying out real money HORSE and playing the RAZZ part as if it is a high game of stud. Or playing 2-7 triple draw and thinking an Ace is good.
 
Arjonius

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@Arjonius: I am striving and working hard on my poker game and would like to make money from it. I'm not looking to be a full time poker player but would like to move up in stakes, even to prove to myself that I am capable. Hopefully I can break the cycle, if not I will have to settle for being a recreational player.
Sorry if this is patently obvious, but why not pick one type of game and stick with it? Don't switch or even play other types. Commit to playing only the one you choose until you've played enough to reach the level where you no longer want to move up and/or you feel you've hit your personal ceiling.
 
spsb83

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Sorry if this is patently obvious, but why not pick one type of game and stick with it? Don't switch or even play other types. Commit to playing only the one you choose until you've played enough to reach the level where you no longer want to move up and/or you feel you've hit your personal ceiling.

I'm trying to do exactly what you've suggested. The point I'm making is that there is something psychological which holds me back, I'm not saying I am anywhere near capable of mixing it in the big leagues of poker but I think I have a good work ethic and strive to be better at the game and proceed up the stakes. The problem is my expectation is that I will fail and will ultimately force myself to fail. Strange I know and why I'm like this is a mystery to me, maybe I was dropped on my head as a baby.
 
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