card player of year joke highlights
A couple weeks ago I attended the first-ever "Card Player Of
The Year" awards show. It was hosted at Hollywood's Music
Box Theatre in Los Angeles.
The theme of the night was to be like the "Oscars" of poker.
They presented awards like "Best Cash Game Player" (Chip
Reese), "Most Feared Player" (Phil Ivey), "Best Female
Player" (Jennifer Harman), and "Player Of The Year" (Men
All the "big name" pros were there... from Doyle Brunson to
Brad Garrett is the guy from "Everybody Loves Raymond"... he
plays Ray's brother (the big tall one with the deep voice).
Anyway, he is FREAKING HILARIOUS. I honestly don't know if
I've ever laughed so hard in my entire LIFE!
He completely busted on all the professional poker players
in the audience. It was ruthless. Below are some of the
jokes I remember.
GET READY TO LAUGH!
(Disclaimer: Please don't read on if you have sensitive
ears. Remember that these aren't MY jokes... I'm just
recounting what I heard at the awards show!)
*** JOKES TOLD BY BRAD GARRETT ***
Right away Garrett started ripping on Phil Hellmuth:
"We've got Phil Hellmuth in the house tonight... No one told
me that, I just know because I heard WHINING as I came in."
"Next year we're actually gonna have the award show OUTSIDE,
that way Phil can bring his ego..."
Then it was on to Mike "The Mouth" Matusow...
"Mike Matusow is also here tonight. Hey Mike, where you at?
Oh wow... I'm surprised you can raise your hand with those
"Mike Matusow is nominated for an award tonight, which
proves Darwin didn't know s**t!"
Later, Matusow presented the award for "Best Poker
Ambassador". Here's what Brad Garrett had to say about that:
"Having Mike Matusow present the award for Best Poker
Ambassador is like having Dick Cheney present an award for
Then it REALLY got bad...
"Jennifer Tilly is shacking up with Phil Laak, the
Unabomber. Jennifer told me backstage that "Unabomber" is
code for one testicle-- and apparently she's having a ball."
"I love watching Jennifer Tilly on that celebrity poker TV
show... people, those aren't nipples. Those are triples!"
"Jennifer has the best rack in all of poker-- Wait, I take
that back. She has the second best rack in all of poker. The
best belongs to GREG RAYMER!"
"When Greg Raymer says "all-in", it's at the buffet table."
"Greg, you seem like a really nice guy, and you won a couple
million dollars last year... now try eating a f***in salad!"
Garrett had plenty of one-liners for others in the audience
"Amir Vahedi, I haven't seen him since flight school..."
After the break:
"Welcome back ladies and gentlemen. The theater wants me to
remind everyone that there's no smoking inside. Amir, please
put out your shoe."
To Doyle Brunson and his son Todd:
"Hey Doyle, the Civil War called, they found your journals."
"Todd Brunson skipped the clan meeting to be here."
When speaking to Daniel Negreanu:
"Don't worry Daniel, I'm sure your nuts will drop soon."
To Scotty Nguyen:
"Please Scotty, have a sandwich. You look like my X-ray."
And last but not least, Garrett cracked on Barry "Robin
Hood" Greenstein. Here's what he said:
"Barry Greenstein gives all his winnings to charity... of
course, Charity happens to be a STRIPPER who works the late
shift at Spearmint Rhino. If you hurry Barry, you can catch
her after the show!"
Thought you might find these funny if you missed the show. Compliments of a Roy Rounder newsletter