Poker Poems by Johnny Too Bad

Tell me one of your tells and I'll tell you one of mine.
When you know you can't be beaten, do you send out a sign?
When you lie do you believe that no one will suspect?
Do you have a habit that your opponents can detect?

Do you pause without a cause? Strategic hesitation?
Do you blink or give a wink? A facial reflexation?
Do you glare and pull your hair, when you're in consternation?
Make a sneer and scratch your ear, without consideration?

Tell me one of your tells and I'll tell you one of mine.
When the Flop has missed your hand, do you tend to resign?
When the one you're dreaming of descends upon the River,
Are you solid as a rock, or do you start to quiver?

Do you shake, begin to quake, when under observation?
Do you stutter and, or mutter a vocal incantation?
Do you shout and dance about as if in celebration?
Laugh out loud when you are proud, a form of exaltation?

Tell me one of your tells and I'll tell you one of mine.
When your game has come apart, do you step out of line?
Are you the type to hem and haw when you intend to raise?
When you lay your cards down, do you go into a daze?

Do you flinch or move an inch, to give an indication?
Do you place your hands to face when on a calculation?
Do you grin and wag your chin, in hope of obfuscation?
Hold your breath and feign your death, caught in a situation?

If it's my aim to win at this game, it will take some dedication.
If I can't read you, how can I expect remuneration?
Can I discern or hope to learn much from your face of stone?
If I can't tell what your tells are...how can I tell my own?
If I can't tell what your tells are...how can I tell my own?
__________________
JTB

A poem? Nice job, never heard a poker poem before

Um, okay - this WAS one of mine (and it's a classic) - I get a monster hand and I would disconnect from the table - act totally uninterested. It was ridiculously obvious - just looking around the room doing the "La, la, la... No point in being in this hand" thing. A buddy/coach caught me on that one and let me know about it.
Just the other day I caught one on my own. When I shove with the nuts I give a very non-chalant wave of my hand while saying, "All in".

Prahlad Friedman?

Diggin' the intro!

Welcome to CardsChat!

Nice! Very creative. I tried to make a poker poem once, but I kept running out of words that rhymed with 'trucker' and 'slammit'. I'm not that creative though.

Aces cracked! I can't believe it's happening again.
What do I have to do to stop reliving all this pain?
I raise pre-flop, I always do, but I can't get them out,
These fish believe that "any two" will make them cheer and shout.

Aces cracked! That's twice tonight, they're messing with my head.
I'm tired and I can't concentrate, I should be home in bed.
They never seem to hold up for me, I don't understand,
The books I've read all told me that they are a winning hand.

Aces cracked! No, not again! Please, let them win one time.
To fold your little pair to my three-bets is not a crime.
And if you think that 6-5 off is worth the price to see,
No need to doubt it, I am sure you'll flop a straight on me.

Aces cracked! It's no surprise. I've lost with them before,
I should just fold them up like rags, instead of raising more.
I'll use the time to chill out, go and fix myself a cup.
The next time that they're dealt to me, I'm folding them face up.

JTB

More poemage...

I'll try to add my insight of years of play.

Aces cracked.
It happens.

Shoot it didn't rhyme.

(but I give 100% props to your rhyme man...WELL DONE!!)

The Young Gun thinks he knows the score, he's got it all worked out,
Been up and down the street awhile, he knows what it's about.
With mom and dad to pay the rent, and put gas in the car,
He multi-tables online, dreaming it will take him far.

With new sites springing up each day, and raking every hand,
You'd think he'd gain a clue of what this industry has planned.
With rake-back deals the bonus whore may think he has the edge.
He doesn't realize he's blindly walking on a ledge.

They're wiser folk than you and I, of this there is no doubt.
And they won't even bat an eye when your cash pool drains out.
They'll chew you up and spit you out, and then they'll go for more,
It won't take long to find them, they're all lined up at the door.

So, Young Gun, open up your eyes and take a look around.
The goose that lays the golden egg is nowhere to be found.
The on-line game can be some fun, that's what it ought to be.
Don't for a single moment dream that it's a money tree.

Now, if you have a run of luck, take it for all it's worth.
But don't believe your skill is like the miracle of birth.
When some run hot, some must run cold. It's all a give and take.
The biggest winner in the end is he who wields the rake.__________________
JTB

Let's keep all the poems to one thread. Thanks.

CC now has its own poet.

Nice ones JTB.

I started one once but didnt get very far

One and one and one makes three
I will usually raise if folded to me............


then I realized it already suked and stopped....

Young guns is a definite Hit single ya got there.

Very nice !

Something short from me - a limerick - (posted that about a year ago here somewhere, or sth. similar)

There once was a LAG from Wichita
Who was on a kind of a heater.
He flopped top two pair
but to his despair
villain had a set for a beater.

FYP ( That actually rhymes)

But to maker your city of Wichita rhyme...


There once was a LAG from Wichita
Whose wife never would wear a bra
He saw her big pair
but to his despair
Gravity won on the draw

You have inspired me JTB!!!

http://www.cardschat.com/f4/new-lime...5/#post1838345

Keep all the poems to one thread?
That is total discrimination!
I will not have my works marginalized in this way.
Each story is a different and unique topic. Unlike the barrage of drivel commonly posted on sites like this.
Painstaking efforts are made to ensure that the stories are imaginative, informative and humourous. If there is not enough space on this site to include my contributions, then ask me to stop submitting and I will stop.
JTB

I hope the dripping I hear in the background is the sarcasm.........

But, ya never know with the artist........

In the small case that I am wrong, JTB, its a poker forum. The Poets society (dead or living) is still open... I guess....... But we do keep non poker (non-strategic and so on, ya get me?) a bit reigned in. Gets too OTT otherwise.....

TBO , I like your poems and hope you keep em comin...........

AND you got your OWN thread... in YOUR NAME.....

Food for ego IMO

Condenses the responses and increases the attention too, keeping them near the top instead of some of them getting lost with one or two posts (different stories yes, but not different topics for thread discussions).

OK D'wilius, fletchdad here's one more
Double Entente

A rounder who lived in Victoria,
Had some Bad Beat Stories to bore ya.
He pled for a loan,
You said with a groan,
"I really would rather ignore ya."

The rounder whined "I have no buy-in!"
You turned and said "Stop all your crying.
Go look for a job,
You shiftless old knob,
You won't find one if you're not trying."

The rounder said "You go to hell, mate!
I have an idea that is swell, mate."
It didn't last long,
His plan went all wrong.
He now plays "Heads Up" ...with his cellmate.
__________________
JTB

This. Think of this as your all-clusive thread. A gallery of your works, if you will.

Big Time
The game of Hold'em has evolved a language of its own.
In card rooms and in home games where the seeds of slang are sown.
Some names remain, while others may have faded into dust.
Some names may last for decades and some others not, I trust.

Because it's a great starting hand, we call Ace/King "Big Slick"
For reasons I don't understand, some call Six/Nine "Big Lick"
Pocket Jacks have become "Johnnies" and "Cowboys" once were Kings.
Pocket Queens are known as "Ladies". (and sometimes as other things)

Ninety-nine is "Gretzky" and "Snowmen" are pocket Eights.
Sevens are known as "Hockey Sticks", with or without skates.
"Pocket Rockets" is the hand that everyone adores.
But small pairs don't deserve a name, least of all pocket fours.

Why is it that we haven't got a name for pocket Tens?
Are they not worthy of the time it takes? Let's make amends.
Because they have no faces, do they not deserve respect?
They are a decent pair which many players won't reject.

I've won more pots with pocket Tens than any other pair.
My "Rockets" never hold up, and I know we've all been there.
Kings, Queens and Jacks look fine until that Ace hits on the flop.
Unless you can't admit defeat, you often have to drop.

But, when I squeeze a peek at pocket Tens I get a thrill.
I never fear the three-bet, even looking up the hill.
If I don't hit one on the flop, I usually spike the turn.
The flush and straight draws don't get home, some players never learn.

So "Big Time" is the name that I have given pocket Tens.
"Big Time" is when my Hold'em prowess commonly ascends.
Lay down your Aces, Kings and Queens and Jacks and save a dime.
'cause when that Ten hits on the flop, you're goin' down..."Big Time"

JTB

The game was a loose 20/40 affair,
A barrell of fish splashing chips everywhere.
There in came a Rounder with presence of mind,
He watched a full round before posting his blind.

The first hand he looked at was two handsome Jacks.
He planned to employ them to shorten some stacks.
Though none were too anxious, the limpers were four
So, from the Big Blind he says "Go 20 more."

The four fish he'd netted did not bat an eye.
They tossed in their chips, not considering why.
The flop fit him perfect, there is no dispute,
Jack, Nine and a Five, with no two the same suit.

He opens for 20, the next guy says "Call".
Like two more behind him, refusing to fall,
The man on the button says "I'm gonna raise"
"Then take it to 60" the rounder replies.

"So cap it" the bloke in the middle seat drones,
As every man tosses his chips in and groans.
The Rounder is stymied by action so bold,
He doubts whether any of these fish will fold.

The Turn is a Deuce, it could not have been better.
They start splashing chips, getting wetter and wetter.
Bet! Raise! Raise! and Raise! Now it's 40 a shot!
The dealer is lost in the mountainous pot!

The River card pairs up the Deuce on the board,
He knows now his Jacks-Full will reap the reward.
The final bets pour in Bet! Raise! Raise! and Raise!
He hasn't seen this kind of action in days!

The betting completed, it's time to showdown.
The players all look at each other and frown.
Jack/Nine, Pocket Fives, Pocket Nines, Pocket Jacks
The man on the Button shouts "Bring me some racks!"

"I knew that you mugs were all on pairs and sets!
You're all drawing dead and still spewing out bets!
Your cards were all spent, save for one lonely Five,
But, I was on Deuces! The Deuces were LIVE!"
__________________
JTB

great stuff JTB, keep it coming
does it come quick or do you spend a lot of time getting the rhyme?

i think you got that last one from a game i played thats my luck lol
welcome to the forum
ps- you get time to actually play or do you just write now??

The King of Bling

Whenever I have pocket Kings, the dealer flops an Ace.
It makes me want to rack my chips and walk out of the place
I know it's not the dealers fault, he has a job to do.
It seems that I am always at the sharp end of the screw.
I hope it doesn't make me sound too bitter 'cause I'm not.
But, doesn't being dealt two Kings entitle me the pot?

I raised it when it came around, I got the blinds to drop,
And now there were just three of us, waiting for the flop.
If you don't flop a King for me, I can forgive one stroke.
For once let it be Eight, Six, Three. I'll give you a nice toke.
But nooooo that never happens, The flop is Ace, Ten, Nine.
Diamonds all, imagine that, a suit that isn't mine.

I know I've gone from first to worst, but it's not over yet.
In my frustration when it's checked around, I call out "Bet!"
I knew it was a foolish thing to do, I couldn't stop.
My eyes were tearing up on me from staring at the flop.
So, when I think it's all but lost, the Turn provides a King
The King of Hearts, I'm pleased to say (and not The King of Bling)

The other players check to me, they smooth call when I bet,
Now, I just need to cross this river, without getting wet.
The River is The King of Bling. I've hit Four of a Kind!
The Royal Flush my rival made, had never crossed my mind,
As things turned out, it didn't hurt to lose with such a hand,
I took the Bad Beat Jackpot home. It was eleven grand......
__________________
JTB

For all those Monday night poker league games:

Somebody Got Rivered

(To the tune of "Somebody Got Murdered")

Some one buys a stack of chips and sits down at the felt
Looks around the table, the cards will soon be dealt
As the weekly game progresses, the chips go forth and back
Somebody got rivered, he'll buy another stack

Somebody got rivered...... those chips are gone forever

Somebody got rivered now his stack is growing short
Raised out of position, he fears he must abort
As the blinds are getting bigger, he worries just a bit
Somebody got rivered, it makes him feel like...

Somebody got rivered...... those chips are gone forever

Somebody got rivered, he's bubbled out again
Fist slams on the table the ranting is profane
As the prize pool is divided no one dares to speak
Somebody got rivered but he'll be back again next week

Somebody got rivered...... those chips are gone forever
(repeat and fade out)

Oma-huh?

The moment I walked in the room, I found a seat to play.
Then and there I knew it was to be my lucky day.
My favorite table, favorite seat, my favorite dealer Joe.
It used to be my favorite game... Omaha Hi Lo

I settled in, I knew that I would be there for a while
I opened blind to let them know aggression was my style.
The first few hands, the flops were high, with no chance for a split,
I never play beyond the flop without the best of it.

Then, as I wondered, "What would be the first hand I could play?"
I looked down at two clubs, Ace/Deuce and two hearts, King and Trey.
I thought, "Thats why I love this game." and fired off a raise.
"I hope that no one drops out, I hope everybody plays"

The limpers called, I knew they would, they hadn't had enough.
The Flop came 3-4-5 of clubs. For them, this would be rough.
I'd flopped the Nut-Lo and I had the second best for Hi.
So, when the betting started now my limit was the sky.

The field had narrowed down to three, myself and these two sods.
I raised them and they raised me back, they thought they had the odds.
The Turn card didn't make a dent, a bricky nine of spades.
We left the third man on this street, he stopped to wipe his shades.

We raised each other back and forth and forth and back non-stop.
With just the two of us remaining , now there was no cap.
He tossed his last chips in the pot and I was left with none
I'd wished we both had bigger stacks before we had begun.

The River didn't mean a thing, the flop had made our hands.
I showed my Nut-Lo straight flush and I did a little dance.
He showed his Seven/Six of clubs and let out such a laugh.
It was a total letdown, seeing I would win just half.

I watched in dumbstruck silence, couldn't think of what to say.
The dealer mucked my hand and pushed the pot the other way.
I cried out "Dealer, split the pot! The lo-ball hand is mine!"
He said "This isn't Hi-Lo sir...Did you not read the sign?"
__________________
JTB

JK. from Wollongong
(Apologies to Banjo Paterson)

It was JK. from Wollongong, who caught the Hold’em craze,
He gave up the Manila game, he’d milked so many days,
He said, "The short deck game is dead, and I’m too old for sex”
He went to town to buy himself some fifty-two card decks.

He looked around the shop a awhile, he had some time to spare,
The scent of plastic playing cards hung lightly in the air.
As he was thinking “Should I buy the Kem or the Fournier?”
The teen aged shop assistant asked, “Excuse me, do you play?”

“See here, Young Gun,” said ol’ JK, “from Perth to Tasmans’ Sea,
From Darwin down to Hobart Town, there’s none can play like me,
I’m good all ‘round, at every game, it's known from coast to coast
But, I'm not one to make that claim, I'm not the kind to boast"

“There is no game that you can name, on tables made of felt,
At which I will not reign supreme, once all the cards are dealt,
So mark my words, you cocky lad, as night will follow day,
If you would like to tag along, I’ll show you how to play.”

JK dressed up in Hold’em gear, dark glasses and a hood,
He thought “I’ll act the ‘mug’ awhile, then fit them up, real good”
He strode up to the card room with his bankroll and a smile.
He pondered the ’No Limit’ game for just a little while.

It was JK from Wollongong, who found a seat to play,
Of Young Guns less than half his age, he thought “you’ll rue this day,”
He looked around the table thinking, “I should piss this in.”
He counted all their stacks to see just how much he would win.

It was JK from Wollongong, who peered down at Big Slick,
And then he knew his time had come, to show these boys a trick.
But, when the flop came Ace, King, Nine, he thought “ I’ll play this cool,
I’ll lure these bunnies to my trap, then send them back to school.”

The turn produced another King, JK thought “Oh My Lord,
They won’t come with me if I bet, not looking at this board.
I’ll check for now, and if one bets, I'll raise him back all in,"
When one lad bet, another called, JK concealed his grin.

It was JK from Wollongong, who saw the river Nine.
“If they made a full house with that, It’s not as big as mine,”
He pushed all in, the two lads called, they both were all in too.
He showed his cards, reached for the pot, it seemed the thing to do.

The first boy cried out, “ Not so fast! I slow played pocket Aces”
JK looked up, bewildered by the smirks on all their faces.
The next boy gallantly announced, “I think the pot is mine! “,
He opened up his hand to show ‘The Gretzky’ Ninety-Nine.

It was JK from Wollongong, who left the table slow.
He said "I can't recall a time I've ever felt so low".
A day or two is all it takes to overcome the pain,
As every poker player knows. He'll live to play again.

JTB