Poker Lessons from Hell...

I enjoy reading occult related materials and fantasy fiction so I couldn't resist "The Secret Life of a Satanist", as it's an authorized biography of Anton LaVey and contains little if any fact when it comes to his life. He couldn't help it, he was a born liar. So of course I'm fascinated by him.

Anyway, towards the back of the book there are some Satanic codes which I'm finding to be very interesting. They don't require you to renounce or denounce God or the existence of God, but they do require you to behave in a non-Christian way, and what's more non-Christian than poker at it's finest?

The Eleven Satanic Rules of the Earth

1. Do not give opinions or advice unless you are asked.

2. Do not tell your troubles to others unless you are sure that they want to hear them.

3. When in another's lair, show him respect or else do not go there.

4. If a guest in your lair annoys you, treat him cruelly and without mercy.

5. Do not make sexual advances unless you are given the mating signal.

6. Do not take that which does not belong to you unless it is a burden to the other person and he cries out to be relieved.

7. Acknowledge the power of magic if you have employed it successfully to obtain your desires. If you deny the power of magic after having called upon it with success, you will lose all you have obtained.

8. Do not complain about anything to which you need not subject yourself.

9. Do not harm little children.

10. Do not kill non-human animals unless attacked or for your food.

11. When walking in open territory, bother no one. If someone bothers you, ask him to stop. If he does not stop, destroy him.

Obviously, we can ignore rules 9 and 10 as little children and non-human animals have no place at the poker table, online or live. However they are good rules regardless of your religion.

I'm feeling like the other rules do apply. Then again, it's more likely I just have poker on the brain and projected it onto the eleven Satanic rules of the Earth.

I'm lol'ing at some of those

You're supposed to. This isn't meant to be the most serious of threads. But some of the rules can be applied just by replacing things like "magic" with appropriate terms.

Take this one - 7. Acknowledge the power of magic if you have employed it successfully to obtain your desires. If you deny the power of magic after having called upon it with success, you will lose all you have obtained. It translated thusly - Acknowledge the power of the [insert play here] if you have employed it successfully to obtain chips. If you deny the power of [insert play] after having used it with success, you will lose all you have obtained.

See you have to acknowledge the power of certain plays, not only with their efficacy in your own game but also with your opponents. Provided you're about even or slightly above the level of your opponents, they're perfectly capable of making the same plays as you. When you lie to yourself and say "Oh no, so and so can't have it, must be bluffing" it's important to take a step back, acknowledge that you might be getting a dose of your own medicine, review their betting patterns up to that point in your head and proceed with caution.

Mostly it's a bit of fun though. Kind of like when I took a personality test and added "in poker" to the end of each question. The result of the test showed me to be a "bitch slap" in poker. It's not too different from adding "in bed" to the end of a fortune from a fortune cookie.

I got a kick out of it, and posted it on another forum- crediting you for posting it here. I used it to start a thread inviting everyone's favorite sayings, quotes, or rules to live by. Thanks. Fish

FUNNY RULES FOR LIFE

funny-haha.co.uk - Joke: A Few Rules To Live By ....

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Edited for your comedic enjoyment....

The Eleven Satanic Rules of Poker
1. Do not give opinions or advice unless you are asked.

2. Do not tell your bad beat stories to others unless you are sure that they want to hear them.

3. When in another's home game, show him respect or else do not go there.

4. If a guest in your home game annoys you, bluff him mercilessly and felt him when possible.

5. Do not make sexual advances unless you are given the tell.

6. Do not take chips which do not belong to you unless they are a burden to the other person and he cries out to be bluffed.

7. Acknowledge the power of the check-raise if you have employed it successfully to obtain your desires. If you deny the power of the check-raise after having called upon it with success, you will lose all you have obtained.

8. Do not complain about any hand to which you could have folded.

9. Do not harm little children, they don't understand the game.

10. Do not kill donkeys unless attacked or for your food.

11. When you flop a monster, raise no one. If someone raises you, reraise him. If he does not stop raising, push all-in.

Magic....thats why my AA gets cracked against the 3 7o all in guy...its freaking black magic

I buy that over "It's rigged". Realistically AA holds up way more often than we give it credit for. It's just a whole lot easier to remember when it doesn't.

Aaahhh, LaVey satanism. Possibly one of the grandest excuses ever for one man to pose for photos with snakes and scantily-clad women...

You don't have to be a rock star, to live like a rock star.

And what, pray tell, is the mating signal?