How to Have a Good Poker Night

Go into your garage/storage unit/around your house ... find something you could sell for like $200 that you definitely wouldn't mind missing. Items such as an ex-girlfriend or ex-wife's family heirloom, or vase, or some furniture that they left that may have you rolling your eyes in disgust every time you see it.

Sell that crap.

Pre-Game Night:

1. Take a nice hot 30-40 minute shower, so you can feel your best.
2. Make sure you neatly trim your beard/mustache or shave that 5 o'clock shadow. And other parts...
3. Groom yourself and make yourself presentable and attractive.
4. Spray on some cologne.
5. Wear your best "I'm getting lucky tonight" outfit.
6. Apply some more cologne.
7. Leave the hat, sunglasses, iPod, and all credit cards at home, you don't need them tonight.
8. Jump in your car.

On the way to your poker room:
1. Don't even think about cards.
2. Imagine how ugly lady luck has looked in the past.
3. Now imagine that girl in high school who was a total troll and somehow miraculously at your high school reunion now she's a Sports Illustrated model. And your 1st love at your high school reunion is now the troll.
4. Now Imagine Lady Luck after that realization.
5. Get yourself pumped up by jamming out to something on the radio.
6. When you park your car. Make sure you text yourself which section you parked in, and possibly what color your car is, depending on how belligerently drunk you can possibly get.

At The Casino:
1. Go straight to the card room, **** the blackjack tables, the slot machines, and video poker.
2. Go sit down at $1/$2 NL.
3. Buy in for $125 out of your $200
4. Stick the $75 in your pocket.
5. Buy your favorite mixed drink. Not a beer. A MIXED drink.
6. Chug it
7. Order one more.
8. Chug it.
9. Order one more.
10. Do not chug it. Let it sit there for pretty.

Now you're playing and feeling pretty good.
1. You're not here to make money tonight.
2. You're here to get lucky. Lady Luck wants your sack because you look and smell fantastic. Not to mention, maybe you're a light drinker. You can talk to anyone now, even Jessica Alba. Keep drinking maybe you'll see her in the bar area of the casino later on.
3. Only play with gut instincts. I prefer not even looking at my cards.
4. Any 2 will do approach.
5. Make sure people remember who you are. You can do this by flipping the card table over when someone sucks out on you. You can do this by throwing $1 chips at your opponents and throwing your mucking cards in the dealers face. You can do this by throwing up on the felt. Or dropping your frito pie on the carpet.
6. If you do happen to look at your cards. If you ever see 27o 27s and there's a raise in front of you re-raise 4x his raise. Even if it puts you all in.
7. You're not going to make any money tonight
8. Once you bust out, make sure people remember your name and face. The easiest way is to say "I'm Sean F****** Pilgrim, bitch." after you had stood up and chugged your 3rd drink.
9. Be rude and if you can let out a nice one.

Now: You're buzzed or drunk...
1. If not, have another.
2. Go find Jessica Alba in the bar.
3. Take Jessica Alba on a date to the $5 slot machines.
4. Seduce her, if you have no skill in this I'm sorry I'm not Dr. Phil... although I think his advice is misleading much like Miss Cleo.
5. Whatever you do make sure, you leave with out any of that original $200.
6. Dump the rest into a cab ride, slot machines, black jack, something you know you're going to lose it eventually.

Get home:
1. Safely, maybe Jessica Alba can give you a ride home. And possibly even tuck you in.
2. Or hold your hair if you start to vomit (if you have long hair)
3. I dunno, if you've made it this far... I don't know it's a 50/50 if you're getting any.
4. At some point you will pass out.

Wake Up:
1. At some point you will wake up, hopefully your dream girl has left, cuz she might not be a dream girl in the morning. If she leaves her number don't even call. Unless you were sober and she does look like Jessica Alba.
2. Feel great knowing you just got rid of a piece of crap piece of furniture or other item that your ex left behind.
3.Feel great knowing every regular that was at that $1/$2 NL table, thinks you are an insane donkey and is going to play at you next time, (use that to your advantage).
4. Laugh at the fact that you told them "I'm Sean F****** Pilgrim! bitch."
5. Don't even worry about the $200, it's tainted money. That shit you sold was housing a ghost that was waiting to scare the shit out of you 4 life.
6. It was free money, that old crap in your house was sitting there for awhile. Not only do you kind of gain mental ownership of that crap, you pretty much own that crap after 3 months, I'd say it yours.

Days to Come
1. Go play $1/$2 NL... play straight ABC poker, hopefully with a few of the guys who remember you from last time.
2. Play TAG.
3. Make some money.
4. Go home knowing you 100% set those regulars up.
5. Hopefully now you have more than made up for the free $200 donk money.

Rinse and Repeat every 9 Months...

rofl

gre8 post ,made me laugh like hell

LOVE IT!!!!!!!

I like the post too, I agree with taking a good shower before you descide to play for about 6 to 7 hours.

+1 For Primetime? Maybe no one else thought it was humorous?

That was awesome, wish you wrote this a few weeks ago since I just got back from Vegas lol.

Sean,

I tried your method and it didn't work out for me. I followed everything step by step. I got ready and drove up to AC this afternoon. Its like an hour from here, so I drank a pint of 1800 on the way. Maybe thats where things went wrong, because when I got to number five and six of what to do at the Casino, all hell broke loose.

I was on the button at the $1/$2 table and this big guido looking guy makes a 3xBB raise from early position. I did't know what I was holding, because I hadn't looked, but I pushed back with a $24 raise and he calls. The board came 2s 7d As. He raised the pot and I decide that since I can't see straight, I'll go ahead and go All In. He calls and the turn and river brings 2d and 2h. Mario smirks as he turns over AA. When the dealer told me to show, I was suprised to find 2c8d in my pocket!

Well this didn't go over well and when I began throwing dollar chips at the villan and asking him for more donations he got really mad. Accroding to the police report, he swung first, but we both are having to go to court on January 5th. They charged me with inciting a riot and resisting arrest! WTF, he's the one that hit me! I'll try again in the future without the Cuervo beforehand. However, I can't ever go back to the Taj, so it looks like I'll have to try Ceasars or the Trop. Thanks anyways...

I got stuck at "2. Go find Jessica Alba in the bar."
She's harder to find than Waldo.

i Liked the vomiting on the table and throwing chips at the other players. I have chugged a few drinks before i started playing before in a casino. And i did feel good but didnt follow the rest of the steps. LOL this was pretty good!!!!

Aww man, I was literally laughing too hard to read the whole thing in one sitting. You totally blew me out of the water with my attempt at jokes. +1!!! LMAO

That's almost as good as nailing her sister.

Great post!

Since I'm a girl I guess I'll hafta pass on Jessica Alba & look for Orlando Bloom instead.

I am wondering how you knew about my 5 o'clock shadow though (as she rubs her chin pondering...lol).

Awesome post man!

hah, amazing post! well done.

OMG this is too much... It took me like an hour to get through this... Next time you post make sure you let people know that they may need an hour or two of spare time before reading lol... AWESOME POST MAN !!!!!!!

2. Make sure you neatly trim your beard/mustache or shave that 5 o'clock shadow. And other parts...

including what???

haha great post mang!

rofl. Great post, have to try this sometime!

Gotta have some humor with your poker loved it

Love it mate will stick to some of them little tips hahahaha :P

epic. This is easily my favorite thread ever on this site.

Glad you guys enjoyed it! I was bored and playing like a nit on bodog so I needed to occupy myself with something so I took some things that I've actually seen done in a casino and a couple things I have done in the past and just started typing.

And yes, I have sold my ex's stuff and then blew it on slot machines, or playing to not win. Just needed that crap out of my house.

And by playing Extremely Loose and Hyper Aggressive one night I shoved all in with K6. And believe it or not I flopped quad Kings. The original raiser who called had AJ and for some reason when an ace hit the river he got excited, I think he kind of forgot that I flopped quads.

This post is in no means to be taken seriously. Attempt this at your own risk! We already have a CC member who has to go to court on the 5th of January. So stay out of trouble!

top notch post sir, damn i wish i was 21..